It’s been a slow week and not a whole lot has been going on. Those of you who have been reading me for awhile know that I really, really hate two things passionately. Lurkers and Comcast. I hate lurkers more and they’ll probably get the top spot whenever I (or one of my really nice artistic readers) design an awards template for my Fuck it Friday! - Drink bleach and die, hall of shame! I’m thinking that’s going to be the official name of it too. Anyway, I’d rather hold vegetables in my mouth then deal with Comcast. That’s how much they annoy and infuriate me most times.
I got my cable bill last week. My triple play bundle expired so I knew and expected my bill to go up a bit. I was not expecting it to increase by almost $50. I was so shocked by the price that my pimp handed activated without my consent and slapped three people. I’m pretty smart, it’s not really bragging if it’s true, and the bill confused me. It confused me like a course taught by an Indian or African with a heavy accent. There was a note on the bill instructed people to check their bill online for more details. So off to Comcast’s site. Comcast has quite a few sites and they’re all as poorly ran and designed as a website befitting Comcast is expected to be. I had to register to sign in. Why I can’t access it from logging into my main account befuddles me but whatever. Comcast is making me jump through unnecessary hoops and they’re annoying me. I register and wait for the e-mail containing the link to login. I get the e-mail click on the link and get an error message. *sigh* Not this shit. I play around with the link and just putting my info in the correct boxes for five minutes and finally I’m in. Of course, once I’m and click the view bill tab I nearly punch my sexy laptop in it’s glossy glass screen. The online bill is less detailed than the paper bill. It doesn’t tell break down what you have at all and basically just tells you how much is due. And those geniuses wonder why I laugh derisively at them whenever they suggest I switch over to online billing instead of receiving a paper bill.
Instead of punching my laptop I look for a la carte prices and bundle prices. I find nothing. Comcast’s website is unnavigable at times. It’s crazy and often times makes no sense whatsoever kind of like a woman or Matrix Revolutions take your pic. I e-mail Comcast over the weekend and they call me on Tuesday, the day after my bundle expired. I talk to a chick named Kassandra who quite possibly may have broken the record of how many times my last name can be butchered in a conversation under five minutes. I honestly don’t understand how my name can be butchered like that. It’s pronounced like it’s spelled and it’s short and too the point. Well Kassandra the name butcher, tells me she can’t put me back on the triple play bundle. So I asked if she had any other bundles, mind you I’m not trying to pay much more than what I was currently paying. She offers me some package with all the premium channels, faster Internet, and digital voice (i.e. their phone) for $15 less than the new bill but still $35 more than what I was used to paying. Nope!
Do you really care about the environment?: To an extent but not a great one anyway. Basically, I wouldn’t go out of my way or pay for more expensive alternate solutions to help the environment. Honestly as long as it holds up in my lifetime I couldn’t really give a fuck what happens to it after I’m dead.
Have you ever parked in a handicapped spot?: Yes. I’ve done it once, unknowingly when I was younger. It was confusing to tell what kind of space it was due to the paint and multiple sets of lines. Now I do it whenever I drive my mom around.
Have you ever driven in a carpool lane while alone in your car?: We don’t have carpool lanes here and I think the whole concept is kind of stupid so if we did and I didn’t see any cops I just might.
On Friday I went to see Mirrors. I was planning to see Star Wars: The Clone Wars but things changed. My mom wanted to see Mirrors for some reason and since we usually see what I want I decided to see what she wanted. Well, it wasn’t one of those tepid romantic comedies, a Tyler Perry movie, or one of those angry black woman is always right and black man is always wrong movies so I thought what the hell. I generally try not to spoil movies but to be honest it’s so confusing due to poor writing and direction that I’m finding it extremely difficult to describe with clarity without spoiling so with that said, there are some spoilers in my review. I won’t tell you the ending but if you plan to see it and want to be surprised than be gone. This is your first, last, and only warning. Got it? Cool.
Mirrors is a remake of a 2003 Korean horror movie called Into the Mirror. Ben Carson (Keifer Sutherland) is a recovering alcoholic ex-cop forced to take a job as a security guard at a dark, creepy, and burned down mall. Upon entering the mall you notice that it has way more mirrors than are necessary and the mannequins are kind of creepy. Soon after working there Ben starts to notice weird and disturbing things that seem to be centered around the mirrors. He sees images of people burning to death and screaming for help. Now for most intelligent people that would be enough to give notice and see if the local Target is hiring but not Ben. Most cops I’ve seen are pretty much pussies without a loaded gun and a numerical advantage but Ben is a movie cop and they’re a special breed. While most people would run in the opposite direction at the creepy sounds coming from the basement Ben is quick to go down there and investigate. More spooky shit and violent images are shown and now the mirrors have taken an interest in Ben. Dumbass. Barring my mama or my dog being trapped in that basement I’d be in my truck on the way to the liquor store and then home.
Ben gets out of the basement relatively unscathed and we’re introduced to more of his home life and potential victims. Ben is separated from his wife who is hot I may add. He turned to the bottle after killing accidentally killing a man. For the time being he’s staying on the living room couch at his little sister Angela’s apartment. Did I mention his little sister works as a bartender? An alcoholic living with a bartender? What’s that I taste? The sweet delectable overtones of irony. Oh yeah. He’s estranged from his hot wife, Amy, who hasn’t been making it very easy to see the two kids they share together.
5ive tattoos I never want to see again:
1. Butterflies
2. Lips
3. Strawberries
4. Eyes
5. Tongues
5ive porno versions of Samuel L. Jackson film titles:
1. Pulp Friction
2. Black Snake Moan (didn’t even have to change that one but if I did…) Black Snake Bone
3. One-Eyed Snakes on a Plane
4. Formula 69
5. Deep Blue Semen
5ive rejected titles of Dr. Suess books:
These are the schedules for the U.S. Olympic track & field competitions from NBC’s site. Since NBC is spreading it’s Olympic coverage among it’s many channels you may have to search for some of these. If you’re in metro Detroit or an area along the Canadian border then don’t forget to check out CBC coverage of the Olympics. Their coverage is less glossy and slick than NBC’s but I like it. You should all be familiar with military time if not Google is your friend. Enjoy! You know I will.
Day 7 Friday, August 15
Date / Time Event
09:05AM - Men’s Shot Put Qualifying Rounds
09:32AM - Women’s Heptathlon 100m Hurdles
10:30AM - Women’s Heptathlon High Jump
10:57AM - Men’s 100m Round 1
11:50AM - Women’s 800m Round 1
12:10PM - Men’s Hammer Throw Qualifying Rounds
19:00PM - Women’s Heptathlon Shot Put
19:37PM - Men’s 1500m Round 1
20:13PM - Men’s 100m Round 2
20:49PM - Women’s 3000m Steeplechase Round 1
21:00PM - Men’s Shot Put Final
21:20PM - Women’s Discus Throw Qualifying Rounds
21:40PM - Women’s Triple Jump Qualifying Rounds
21:43PM - Women’s Heptathlon 200m
22:27PM - Men’s 400m Hurdles Round 1
22:45PM - Women’s 10,000m Final
Day 8 Saturday, August 16
Date / Time Event
09:00AM - Men’s 20km Walk
09:10AM - Women’s Shot Put Qualifying Round
09:44AM - Men’s 3000m Steeplechase Round 1
09:50AM - Women’s Heptathlon Long Jump
10:10AM - Women’s Pole Vault Qualifying Rounds
11:46AM - Women’s 100m Round 1
12:05PM - Men’s Discus Throw Qualifying Rounds
12:52PM - Women’s 400m Round 1
19:48PM - Women’s 800m Semifinals
20:00PM - Men’s Long Jump Qualifying Rounds
20:10PM - Women’s Heptathlon Javelin Throw
20:13PM - Men’s 100m Semifinals
20:56PM - Women’s 100m Round 2
21:10PM - Women’s Shot Put Final
21:24PM - Men’s 400m Hurdles Semifinals
21:59PM - Women’s Heptathlon 800m
22:30PM - Men’s 100m Final
How old are those bitches on the Chinese women’s gymnastics team? I felt like a big ass pedophile while they were performing, and I’m not talking about the good kind either. No way in hell any of those chicks are past the 5th or 6th grade. I bet R. Kelly’s bladder got full just looking at them.
Why do the female Olympic athletes play damn near naked while the dudes are fully dressed? Oh I’m not complaining I just want to shake that man’s hand, give him some dap and a hug. He did good!
How many swimming events are there anyway? Can we get some more volleyball and track & field? Surely there’s some new variations and events they can add to each.
The weekend was pretty uneventful as usual. Saturday started off with taking Tantrum to the vet. It feels like a wasted trip. Her appointment was at 11:30 and we didn’t get actually see the vet until about an hour later. He looked at her, spent a few minutes talking to my mother and I, and basically gave his seal of approval that she was okay. I swear it’s worse than going to my actual physician sometimes. I’m glad she’s okay. She’s lucky I love her because I’m not known for my patience. Unless it was really important I wouldn’t wait that long to be seen myself let alone for someone else. Since the fight she’s begun showing aggression to every dog except for her cousins (i.e. my sister’s dogs). I’ve always wanted an aggressive dog but I’m sad about why she’s aggressive.
We took her home and then it was off to shopping. First stop was Sam’s Club. I barely got passed the chick that checks for your card when people kept trying to sell me shit. Damn! Can I get in the store and walk around for a few minutes before you start bothering me? I forgot what the first chick was peddling but I wasn’t interested. Why do people ask you if you’re sure when you tell them no thank you? How many people really stop, think, and then say, “You know what, maybe I was a bit hasty. Tell me more.” I’ll admit to suffering from the stereotypical Libra indecisiveness more often then I’d like but once I’ve made up my mind it’s made up. You won’t persuade, convince, or tempt me otherwise. It’s a done deal. I checked my cell phone, as I do periodically, and a guy at a T-Mobile booth tried to sell me a phone. I already have T-Mobile. They have pretty good plans but boring and ugly phones. Although the Blackberry Sunset did catch my eye. I’m really not interested in paying much more than I am now. Blackberries require data plans and I don’t know if I really want to be bothered. Give me something that lets me text, take, send, and receive pictures (sorry iPhone) and with Wi-Fi and I’m straight. I think my mom really wants to get me an iPhone for my birthday but the iPhone data plans are straight garbage and I’ve heard you can’t send or receive picture mail. Um how will I get my freaky pictures? Oh yeah 200 txt messages is not even nearly enough. I can burn through that before the week is over. I didn’t notice many annoying snot noses, as if there were any other kind, in Sam’s. No grannies dressing like they still had a uterus and fallopian tubes either.
I was playing chauffeur for the day so we made a few more stops. The first was to a vegetable market. As soon as I walked through the doors I hissed like a demon crossing the threshold of holy ground. Me no likey vegetables! I began to break out into a sweat and I could feel my strength leaving me it was as if I was Superman and some put a chunk of green Kryptonite in my pocket. I fled from the veggies to the meat section. Oh sweet, sweet, life giving red meat! I felt reinvigorated! After the vegetable market we had to make one more stop. At Meijer’s I saw so many hot, yummy, looking chicks with long hair there was almost a need for a clean up on aisle seven. I saw some chicks that day that should be having my baby, baby. I also saw someone I kind of sort of know. I had half a mind to text, “I see you” along with a picture of her but the voices concluded that while it would be funny as hell it could also come off as stalkerish so I didn’t. In hindsight I should’ve. Oh well, maybe next time.
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