Sewer Pussy

Meeting people isn’t the easiest thing in the world for me. I’m introverted, antisocial, guarded, and I absolutely despise initiating conversation. Meeting people is difficult, dating, especially first dates, are like being trapped on the 1st level of hell. One of these meetings will forever go down in infamy for me. It’s the day I met Sewer Pussy.

Before Craig’s List, Yahoo Personals, BP (Brokedown…I mean Black Planet) and before most people I knew even had a computer we used the party line for entertainment. Detroit used to have a good, free (free for everyone not free for women only bullshit like they do now for these date & chat lines) chat line. One night I was bored out of my mind so I called the line. Pickings were slim for a booty call or a phone bone so I was ready to hang up when I got a message from her. Sewer Pussy was feeling my voice and wanted to exchange numbers. I should’ve hung up but my dick wanted to spit some game or at least spit.

Her conversation was pretty good. We ended up talking on the phone for a couple of hours. Her voice was pleasant even kind of sexy in a hoodrat kind of way. She seemed down to earth, funny, and even interesting. Most people say or do something to send up red flags and gain entry to the cut list. Once you’re on the cut list there is almost no possibility of us ever meeting or talking again. Sewer Pussy made the cut. We made a date to meet, hang out, and see if anything might happen.

I didn’t have a ride back then so I borrowed my mom’s car. She only lived a few miles away so it didn’t take long to get to her place. Things started off okay. Sewer Pussy was thicky thick girl. Hips, check. Ass, check. Thighs, check. So far she’s three for three on the what I like list and Dick agrees. She’s wearing some snug, navy blue, nylon jogging pants and a form fitting t-shirt. I scan up and immediately noted the dsl (dick sucking lips for those of you not familiar with the term), nice. Her face was okay then I get to the hair. You know that hairstyle women have before they put in a ponytail? The one that looks like they grease up their hair and pull it back so tight they look Asian. Then they take about the inch or two of hair they have left and wrap it in a ponytail holder looking like there hair was amputated. Yeah, that hairstyle. I fuckin’ hate it! It looks like a piece of shit hanging from the back of your head.

Anyway, I park the car and we meet up on her porch. Sewer Pussy invites me in the house and things go downhill from there. One of my pet peeves is meeting a woman’s family when I barely even know the woman. We walk in the door, lo and behold it’s her family. I get introduced to her mom, sister, aunt, crazy, crackhead uncle, and a Haitian boatload of nieces and cousins. I take a breath and then the questions came flying. I get asked several times by various people if I’m Sewer Pussy’s boyfriend. I’m looking at her like they’re your family woman set them straight. She makes up some story about how we met and told them we’re not friends. Sewer Pussy’s mom tells me how she often has to make her take a bath. Sewer Pussy chuckles lightly and doesn’t say anything. Why I didn’t see the flags or hear the sirens blaring is beyond me.

Questions are thrown at me in rapid fire succession. The questions finally die down and out of nowhere crazy, crackhead uncle shouts out, “Are y’all fuckin’!” Swamp Pussy, her mom, and aunt, immediately tell uncle crackhead to shut the hell up. We go outside on the porch and chat for a few minutes and then she asks me to take her somewhere.

Normally playing taxi driver irritates the hell out of me but to get away from her family…I’m game. We get in the car and she gives me directions to her best friend’s house. I’m driving for a few minutes when I smell something not right. I take another sniff to see if I imagined it. Nope. Damn. What the fuck is that smell? It smells like sweat, ass, pussy, an open infected wound, something sickly sweet and a few other things all marinating in some nauseating stew. It literally smelled like a sewer backed up in her pants. My eyes are starting to water. My nose is burning. I try breathing out of my mouth hoping it will cut off the scent reaching my nose. Ain’t working! My gag reflex kicks in and I begin retching. Please don’t let me puke in front of this nasty bitch in my mom’s car. Only through sheer force of will do I manage to relax the retching.

It’s late fall and cold so I don’t really want to roll down the window. Let me try turning down the heat. Fuck it let me turn the heat off. Not getting better. I’m trying to be a gentleman and the windshield is fogging up so I turn the heat on and partially roll my window down. Ahh, fresh air! I think I can do this. Keep it cool Freaky DeaQ. Keep it cool.

We finally get to her best friend’s house. Sewer Pussy tells me to wait in the car because her best friend has a father or some other male in her house that isn’t friendly with other dudes. I’m tempted to go with her anyway but whatever. Maybe I can air out the car while she’s getting her friend. A few minutes pass they finally come out. Sewer Pussy’s best friend is hot. Light skin, slim, long hair, and a body like damn! I was feeling her. The problem is I REALLY wanted to feel her. Feel her bouncing on my dick. Feel her lips around my dick. Feel her ass cheeks clapping my dick. You get the picture.

Note to women: If you’re interested in a guy do not bring your better looking girlfriends around him. It’s a recipe for disaster. For years I wondered why women did that. Finally, I got an answer. One of my lady friends told me that most women don’t think their friends are better looking then they are. Let me be the one to tell you it ain’t true. One of your girlfriends will always be tighter looking than you. Same is true for guys. However, we’ve known this for years. So if someone plays wingman for us he’ll be plain or fugly. I digress.

They get in the car and Sewer Pussy asks me to take her to a party store near her house. We get to the store and she asks if I want anything. I tell her I’m straight. She asks me if I’m sure and I tell her yes. I’m wondering why she doesn’t get out and buy whatever she came for. Sewer Pussy asks me for some money to buy some liquor and smokes. I give her $5 (this was about eight or nine years ago so cigarettes weren’t $5 a pack). She goes into the store and I’m thinking now I can try to get with her friend. Before I can even get a word out Sewer Pussy’s best friend talks her girl up and tells me that I’m doing such a good thing hanging out with her friend. She tells me that Sewer Pussy is a good person but has some issues, one of them being with self-esteem. I guess fucking is out of the question. She cares about her girl and I can respect that. Sewer Pussy comes out with a pack of cigarettes, a bag of pork rinds, and a 40 oz of beer in a brown paper bag.

I drive back to Sewer Pussy’s house. We’re all in the car having some small talk. She offers me some beer but I politely decline. Her best friend gets out of the car to visit her god children and Sewer Pussy’s family. She offers me some pork rinds and I politely decline them too. She suggests we go to Belle Isle. For those of you outside of the “D” it’s an island park. The only thing to do there is barbecue, pick up members of the opposite sex, or take someone out there to fuck. Um, no that’s okay. I tell her I have studying to do and it’s getting late. She tells me to call her. Sewer Pussy leans over to kiss me. I hold my breath to avoid the smell. I waited until she got to her porch and then I pulled off. After a few blocks I rolled down all the windows hoping to air out the window. I got some Coney Island and took my ass home.

I really didn’t want to have to explain what the smell was in my mother’s car. Luckily I found a partial bottle of Febreeze at home. I ended up emptying the bottle. I let the car air out some more and I went in to eat. Febreeze really does work because the next day the smell was gone.

Sewer Pussy called a couple of times after that. I tried to be polite but kept the conversation short. I guess she finally figured out that I wasn’t feeling her and finally left me alone. I wonder if her pussy is still smelly.

Author: Freaky Deaky I'm a horny, opinionated, smart-ass, antisocial, introverted, misanthropic, agnostic, nonconformist, free thinking, hedonistic, highly intelligent, and arrogant black man with a dirty mind.