Things that used to scare me

I’m not as easily frightened as Shaggy or Scooby Doo but I’m not going to lie. I’ve never been the bravest person in the world. I’ve gotten better but unless it involves protecting someone I truly love or you catch me when the evil voices take over don’t expect super heroics from Freaky Deaky.

Scenario #1: We’re tipsy at a bar. Lady friends gets into an altercation with a juiced up thug fresh out of prison.

Lady friend: Hey Freaky Deaky that guy called me a stuck up bitch.

Me: He
did what?! Aw hell no! Which one the guy with the pencil neck or grandpa pimp over there?

Lady friend: No the dude chiseled out of granite, with the tears tattooed on his face, 23-inch biceps, and braids.

Me: The one that looks like he just got done raping the dude who used to be the baddest man in the bar?

Lady friend: (Talks loudly while staring at him and pointing.) Yeah, that bama ass punk over there!

Me: (Thinking.) Oh shit! (The thug comes over.)

Thug: What up?

Me: (Looking at lady friend.) Bitch, you better apologize to that man! What the fuck is wrong with you? Keep talking and that man is gonna straight up dick slap you for being out of pocket. (Looking at the thug.) I don’t even like her man. I just took her out to help out a friend. I thought she had some home training but obviously she’s a drama queen. Let me buy you another drink.

Scenario #2:

We’re at the credit union and a dude with a ski mask and gun enters.

Gunman: Hit the floor muthafuckas! Gimme the cash or I’ll kill ya ass!

Me: Here, take it man! You see that dude in the blue pinstripe suit over there? He just withdrew $1500. That fat broad mean mugging me over there, stuffed a few hundred bucks in her bra. Watch out for that 88 year old security guard in the chair by the door. Yeah, he looks like he sleeping but I think he might be trying to set you up for a head shot.

Gunman: (The gunman calmly collects all the money he carry.) Good looking out man.

Me: No problem. Hey, that bag looks kind of heavy. Do you need any help carrying it to your getaway car?

Gunman: I don’t have a car.

Me: Dude hiding behind that trash can pulled up in a Mustang.

Gunman: For real? (Kicks over the can and demands the keys. Nods his head in a sign of appreciation or respect to me as he runs out the door.)

Seriously though. Have you ever thought about what used to scare you as kid and then realized how stupid or silly it is today. I’ll tell you some of the things that scared me. Feel free to share yours.

The guy on front of the Quaker Oats oatmeal canister used to terrify me as kid. My mom kept it on the stove for some unknown reason. Every time I was in the kitchen it was like his eyes were following me. That and that creepy grin on his face. It was like he was taunting me and threatening me at the same time. I don’t know if it’s because oatmeal looks like some kind of bodily excretion or if it’s because of the creepy Quaker but I’m not fond of oatmeal to this day.

Floral patterns freaked me out as a kid. I wouldn’t go near a woman in a floral pattern dress. I damn near became a psych ward patient if you tried to put me in a bed with floral pattern sheets. Kicking, screaming, crying, and what I think now may have even been panic attacks. It wasn’t so much flowers I had a problem with. It’s what I associate with flowers. What’s that you ask? Bugs. Specifically at the time I had some straight up issues with bees. They used to terrify me. I was still afraid of them until I got stung in the chest by one when I was in elementary school. I left those bastards alone for a couple of years and then I started torturing the buggers every chance I got. Bees and I will never be cool but I no longer fear them. I’m also not afraid of floral patterns anymore. However, I’ll never like a floral pattern as clothes. Even if it was a thong on (or in) Beyonce, I wouldn’t be feeling it.

Friday the 13th used to scare the hell out of me. No, I’m not talking about the movies. I was always convinced that I’d have an unbelievable streak of bad luck on that day. Everytime Friday the 13th would roll around I’d try to avoid anything that brought bad luck upon you like black cats, ladders, mirrors, etc. Now it’s just another day to me.

October 30th b.k.a. Devil’s Night was the other day that scared. It’s supposed to be a day of mischief and pranks. During the daylight hours I was straight but at night I was jumpier than a long tailed cat at a rocking chair convention. Every sound I heard was someone trying to do mischief to me. This was before people in Detroit used the day to set fire to abandoned cars and houses. As a teen, Devil’s Night was only scary if there was an abandoned house nearby. Like Friday the 13th Devil’s Night is just another day to me. Don’t even get me started on that politically correct Angel’s Night bullshit.

Author: Freaky Deaky I'm a horny, opinionated, smart-ass, antisocial, introverted, misanthropic, agnostic, nonconformist, free thinking, hedonistic, highly intelligent, and arrogant black man with a dirty mind.