If I were a…meme
I swear finding memes I haven’t seen or done and want to do is almost as hard as a priest’s dick at a daycare center. Since I haven’t really had anything to blog about lately this week is going to be all about the memes. Yep, it’s time for my quarterly installment of meme madness week. I know some of you have been bereft of memes so you can thank me for these now.
1. If I were a planet, I would be: Pluto. One minute he’s a planet and the next minute he isn’t. Pluto is the outcast of the universe. All the other planets get together and talk and hang out and Pluto just gets left out in the cold. Pluto gets no love and I can relate to that.
2. If I were a month, I would be: October. Who else should represent my birth month? If you said or thought anyone else then fuck him/her. Shit, while we’re at it fuck you too! I’m Mr. October.
3. If I were a day of the week, I would be: Saturday.
4. If I were a time of day, I would be: late night. The freaks come out at night or so I’ve been told because I don’t really know anything about that kind of stuff. All kinds of the best debauchery occur during the late night hours and I’m trying to be a part of it.
5. If I were a sea animal, I would be: a great white shark. What can I say? I want to be a predator.
6. If I were a direction, I would be: northwest. Because west is best, east is least, and the last time the north and south had a fight the south got violated in the ass repeatedly. Being northwest I’d be the best of the best.
7. If I were a piece of furniture, I would be: a big, soft, comfortable bed that’s warm when it’s cold and cool when it’s hot with hot, big booty lipstick lesbian chicks masturbating and fucking on me regularly.
8. If I were a sin, I would be: completely irredeemable. A sin that can’t be forgiven by anyone on any level ever. A sin that shames the person who committed it, his/her family, and friends for eternity.
9. If I were a historical figure, I would be: someone controversial possibly insane like Caligula. I would say what I want to say, do what I want to do, and if anyone had a problem with that I’d make them choose between raping their family members or watching them be tortured to death. Why? Because I’m crazy and I can. The crazy ones are almost always the most interesting ones.
10. If I were a liquid, I would be: semen. A large, undulating
vat pool of semen waiting to fill up all of your yummy girlie parts with me and impregnating you.
11. If I were a stone, I would be: a diamond. Didn’t say what kind of stone.
12. If I were a tree, I would be: the tree of knowledge.
13. If I were a bird, I would be: a peacock.
14. If I were a tool, I would be: a lock pick. I’d be able to open a lot more doors. Burglar tools are cool.
15. If I were a flower/plant, I would be: something that didn’t die within a week of you getting it.
16. If I were a kind of weather, I would be: cool, breezy, partly cloudy, and autumnal.
17. If I were an animal, I would be: a dog. Not a lap dog but either a pit bull or something big like a St. Bernard or Mastiff.
18. If I were a color or shade, I would be: blurple, it’s a metallic blue/purple mix. I used to have a phone that color and whenever I stop leasing and actually buy a car there’s a good chance I’ll have it painted that color.
19. If I were an emotion, I would be: pure, unadulterated rage.
20. If I were a vegetable, I would be: partially chewed and vomited by someone who thought I was disgusting.
21. If I were a sound, I would be: the name you scream when you’re climaxing.
22. If I were an element, I would be: something that defies what scientists thought was possible. I’d also be so highly unstable and dangerous that the world would unite and agree to never use me.
23. If I were a car, I would be: a blurple, tricked out Hummer H2.
24. If I were a song, I would be: a male anthem. A song that is funny, raunchy, misogynistic, and proudly waves two middle fingers all up in your face. Women would hate it, dudes would love it, and it would be the most controversial song of our generation. Yeah, that would be the shit.
25. If I were a movie, I would be directed by: myself. Most of the stuff being churned out by Hollywood nowadays is straight up garbage. I couldn’t risk my vision, my masterpiece being misinterpreted or otherwise diluted,raped, and bastardized on the big screen.
26. If I were a book, I would be written by: me or a hedonistic, perverted, misogynistic sadist. My book would be banned in most civilized countries to the point that people would wonder if the book was actually real or not.
27. If I were a food, I would be: delicious, fattening, and somewhat addicting. I’d make your mouth water, knock you out, and make you cum within minutes of eating me.
28. If I were a place, I would be: remote, exclusive, full of hot, rich, nympho chicks that wanted to fuck me, cater to me, worship me, and come out of their pockets to do so. I’d call it Freakytopia. Oh yeah!
29. If I were a material, I would be: something used to make sexy panties out of. Preferably something that squeezes and caresses a woman’s soft and yummy girlie bits. Something that’s all up in you and hugs you like a second skin.
30. If I were a taste, I would be: something that you’d beg me to swallow and give you more of.
31. If I were a scent, I would be: either the smell of hot, wet pussy commingled with my semen or a fresh baked dessert right out of the oven. Fuck it, I’d be both! Yeah, hot, wet pussy mixed with my jizz and a fresh baked dessert served piping hot right out of the oven.
32. If I were a word, I would be: one that should never be uttered because it would bring about the destruction of the human race and the world as we know it. (Of course some asshole would utter me and I’d have to destroy you all.)
33. If I were a body part, I would be: a stiff, throbbing dick (preferably in the orifice of my choice and about to violently skeet inside of it, of course.)
34. If I were a facial expression, I would be: a smug, sarcastic and arrogant smirk.
35. If I were a subject in school, I would be: some obscure form of visual art
36. If I were a cartoon character, I would be: Vegeta, the prince of all Saiyans.
37. If I were a shape, I would be: a circle. Because they have no beginning and no end.