Chillin’ with Val – pt. 1

Straight outta DTW

I’m still recovering from my weekend. Even though I wasn’t gone all that long traveling can really kick your ass. Add to that the sleep deficit I was running on and you have a double whammy. I didn’t get much sleep Thursday night into Friday morning. I guess nervousness and anticipation can do that to you. I hadn’t been on a plane in well over 20 years probably closer to 25 actually. I don’t really remember too much about that trip other than getting a pair of plastic wings similar to what the captains wear on their jackets. I played with that thing until the paint peeled off of it and I managed to break it. Anyway, I’ve known that I was going to be taking this trip for about a month now. I really wasn’t phased by it until this week. By Thursday, I was a bundle of nerves. I kept running through a bunch of scenarios and all of them involved me not being able to take the flight. I still didn’t really relax until I was in the lobby with my boarding pass in hand just looking at the planes and contemplating things.

Friday morning didn’t go as planned. My ride who originally was going to take Friday off decided not to. So at 9:30 am I’m scampering around trying to decide if I was going to ask someone else for a last minute ride and if so who or would I be driving myself to the airport, or taking a cab. Hell, I even thought about catching a bus or buses but I didn’t know off hand which bus to take and I knew that it would be cutting things way too close to get my boarding pass, clear security, find and get to the gate depending on public transportation. I got the ride situation worked out and shortly after 10:30 am I was on my way to the airport. I went to the kiosk to print out my boarding pass and then after I figured out where the hell I was and what I needed to do it was off to security.

It’s a good thing that I washed socks the night before. Security was pretty much straight forward. Well, that is until I walked through the metal detector. Beep, beep. Remove any metal objects and go through again. I couldn’t figure out any metal object I didn’t already put in my plastic bin and then it dawned on me. I still had on my watch. So I took off the watch and went through again. Beep, beep. Try again. Beep, beep. The guard licked his lips, took off his jacket and twirled it in the air while screaming, “Strip search!” Damn, I had to ditch my crack and I sure as hell didn’t want him to find the weed I was trying to smuggle out. Fuck! Okay, the drug mule part didn’t happen. He did the wand thing and patted me down. He spent a little too much time on my balls. I felt kind of uncomfortable. He slipped his phone number in my back pocket. Okay, the balls and phone number thing might not have happened either. Turns out it was my belt. More specifically the belt buckle. Forgot I was even wearing it. Anyway that just added a couple of minutes and since I tend to be early it didn’t really affect me in the least.

I waste 10 or 15 minutes getting something to eat and people watching and then decide to go look for my gate. I look at the map. You are here. [Star Wars scroll] Where you want to be is way down there in a gate far, far, away. [/Star Wars scroll] This wasn’t going to be very fun. Then I saw the tram upstairs. It’s kind of like the People Mover but it looks better, actually has a purpose, and goes somewhere you actually want to be. It’s a Detroit thing, you wouldn’t understand. Anyway, I get on the tram and a short while later we’re let off. A minute or so after that I’m taking a leisurely stroll and I’m at the lobby outside of my gate. I find a nice seat and give Val a call and update her on my schedule. We chit chat for a few and then I go back to people watching and looking at the airplanes. I wish I had a laptop computer and a wireless network card. Oh well.

About a half hour before the flight is scheduled to depart we’re allowed to board. I was kind of disappointed. The interior of the plane was nothing special. In fact it kind of reminded of a used car in a few ways. I like looking out of the windows because let’s face it there really isn’t much to do on a plane besides sleep or look at the back of the person’s head in front of you. However, I’m not really trying to be smashed in on one side with by the wall of the plane and on the other side by who knows who. Aisle seats for me, thank you. Everybody finally gets settled in and according to my watch it’s time for us to begin taxiing or something. Instead of taking off the captain speaks to us over the public address system and tells us that we’re experiencing some mechanical difficulties. Fuck! I knew I something was going to happen that prevented me from seeing Val.

The captain had a rather pleasant voice. He could almost say I’m going to down this bitch in the Detroit River and you’d still feel comfortable. He said the mechanic needed to get materials or something to make the repair(s) and that it would set us back about a half hour. Okay, great. Well, maybe I will get to go. I call Val and let her know about the delay. About 10 or 15 minutes later he tells us that we’re free to get off the plane and wait in the lobby if we choose to but stay close. A few minutes later he tells us that the repair(s) will take about an hour now and that it’s possible we may end up having to switch planes. We’re told to get our bags and get off of the plane. Fuck again! I call Val and tell her that we’ve been delayed an hour now. I just stared at the Northwest Airlines logo, N.W.A., and thought one more delay and these fools are going to turn me into a N.W.A., that’s nigger with an attitude for you people out of the loop or not good with acronyms or pop culture. The repair(s) went well and about 30 minutes later we got on board the plane again.

Maybe it was just the plane or something but I don’t see what the big deal about business class and first class is about. Sure the seats are bigger, they get served first, and they get a free snack, and wine but is that really worth the exorbitant price they pay for it? I also noticed on both flights I was on that the main stewardess in first class was Asian. Is that supposed to be some kind of status symbol or something. On the flight from Detroit the stewardess sounded terrible. She kind of spoke like Mrs. Swan from Mad TV. I was sitting in front of the engine but between the roar of the engines and her broken English or Engrish all I could do was scratch my head and wonder what the fuck is this bitch saying?! Every time she spoke over the P.A. all I could think was huh? I was halfway expecting her to say something like, “Me love you long time.”


The chick in the window seat in the row behind me didn’t seem to be able to shut the fuck up. I mean she just went on and on and on with her boring little inane banter. I so wanted to wrap my hands around her little neck and just squeeze while screaming, “Nobody gives a drippy black shit about Amber, you, or anyone else you know so shut your fucking pie hole you goddamn cunt!” You’d think when we took off the engines got louder she’d take it as a clue that having a conversation probably wouldn’t be very easy so she might as well read a book or something. Nope, not this bitch. She turns up the volume and starts getting animated. I can’t stand people who talk with their fucking hands. I mean if I chopped them off would they become mute or something or just scream about how much it hurts. Whatever. My pimp hand was starting to twitch and in the confined spaces of a plane that’s probably not a good thing. Her friend sitting next to her must of gotten tired of her mouth and her hands and finally grabbed her hands and told her to chill out. He should’ve bitch slapped her into submission, smacked her on the ass, and told her to go fix him a sammich! Yeah, I said sammich damn it! What?

I thought the Tarmac was supposed to be smooth. I thought we were taking off from the Lodge or something as bumpy as it was. Maybe I was imagining it but I swore I felt some potholes on the runway. After making a whole bunch of turns like the captain was trying to lose a tail or something, we finally start picking up some speed and taking off. It’s a weird feeling when you first get off the ground. Then again maybe I was lightheaded, either way it felt kind of cool. I got tired of listening to the engines so eventually I put on my earphones and listened to my mp3 player. I listened to some Ne-Yo, Monica, Ice-T, and 50 Cent but it still didn’t do much to drown out the engines. It was still good though. There was some slight turbulence on the way there.  It didn’t really bother me much after I figured out what it was.  I suppose some people might have been scared or nervous especially considering the mechanical difficulties we experienced earlier.  I’m pretty sure I won’t meet my end in a fiery plane crash so I wasn’t too worried about it.  The flight wasn’t too long and we arrived a little earlier than expected.

Author: Freaky Deaky I'm a horny, opinionated, smart-ass, antisocial, introverted, misanthropic, agnostic, nonconformist, free thinking, hedonistic, highly intelligent, and arrogant black man with a dirty mind.