Aargh, bitches!

On Saturday I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. A lot of people were disappointed at the abrupt ending of PotC: Dead Man’s Chest. Well, let’s get this said and done neither sequel recaptured the magic and charm of the original Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl. However, unlike Shrek the Third, At World’s End at least tried to be entertaining and interesting. Unfortunately, it’s just confusing and weird…a lot.

Getting tickets was an adventure in and of itself. First will someone tell me why the fuck does 20 motherfuckers need to be in line when only one person is paying? I can’t stand that shit! Niggers get a little money and all of a sudden they have an entourage. Anyway, the woman paying for the tickets must have been a rider on the local short bus because she took all fucking day deciding what movie she wanted to see and paying for the tickets. The theater we went to had 10 auditoriums. They were only showing four movies, Georgia Rule was on one screen, Spider-Man 3 was on two screens, Shrek the Third was on three screens, and PotC: At World’s End was on four screens. How damn hard can it be to choose a movie given that limited selection? Stupid fucktard bitch, next time swallow instead of letting him cum in you!

I also don’t get how come this movie theater always only has one or two people behind the windows even though they have six windows. Hello? At the risk of sounding mean, no fuck that the next thing I’m going to say is mean and I’m comfortable with that. If I knew any of the women their with children while they were pregnant with those kids I would punch them in the stomach…repeatedly. Anyway, we go in to the lobby and to the concession area. Kids are running around, not paying attention, and generally just being underfoot and annoying. You don’t know how I have to will myself not to trip the little bastards sometimes. I’m realizing that the more I’m around other people’s children the less I actually like children. Oh I still want my own I just don’t want to be bothered with anyone else’s. Being trapped in an elementary school is now probably my greatest fear. Is it wrong to wish pray a child molester whisks them off to a pissy, grimy bathroom stall somewhere and ruins them? Good thing I don’t believe in hell, huh?

We get our stuff and I head over to the soda fountains to fill up my cup. More bad ass kids and their dumbass parents! There are two soda fountains on each side of the concession area. At one was a mother trying to manage two bad ass kids and taking way too long to fill up the cup. At the other fountain was two more of her kids. Will you believe these little nigglets thought they were at a pop tasting or something? They’d press the buttons for a few seconds, take a sip, decide it wasn’t what they wanted, poured it out, and repeated the process. I was screaming so loudly in my head I’m surprised I didn’t give myself a migraine. They finally looked like they decided on a beverage and stepped off to the side. It looked like they were going to change their minds yet again but if that was the case then the bastards would have to wait because I’m bigger, stronger, and it’s my turn. They knew they weren’t getting back on the machine any time soon because there was a line. The last choice they made was the last one they’d get without waiting in line.

The movie opens with a mass hanging. The pirate way of life is in danger of coming to an end. Civil liberties like the right to assemble, the right to have a trial by a jury of peers, etc. have been suspended. Pirates, people suspected of being pirates, and collaborators are arrested and summarily executed. Lord Beckett and the East India Trading Company, now in control of Davy Jones’ heart has used him and the crew of the Flying Dutchman to hunt down and kill any and all pirates. Captain Jack has been chilling in Davy Jones’ locker (a.k.a. Pirate Hell). Will and Elizabeth have had a wedge put between them due to misunderstanding and not communicating. Will, Elizabeth, and Captain Barbosa, the original owner of the Black Pearl seek out to find and rescue Captain Jack Sparrow for their own reasons.

Captain Jack Sparrow doesn’t even show up for close to half hour into the movie. He’s the most interesting person in the movie for me and anytime the story drifts away from Captain Jack things get boring. The whole time spent trying to rescue Jack from Davy Jones’ locker will just make your head hurt if you think about it too much. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever so don’t even try. I warned you. The movie gets a bit confusing with the double crosses, triple crosses, and quadruple crosses going on throughout. After the crew gets Jack back they need to make it to Shipwreck Cove and convene the Pirate Lords (the baddest pirates of the seven seas). The Pirate Lords have the power to unleash something that has the potential to turn the tide of battle in their favor if they can stop fighting amongst themselves long enough to unite before the final showdown with the evil Lord Beckett, the East India Trading Company, and Davy Jones.

One thing that’s always bothered me about this movie is that Orlando Bloom’s Will Turner and Kiera Knightley’s Elizabeth Swann never really looked like pirates. Everybody else is dirty with rotten teeth and look like they have scabies, scurvy, fleas, ticks, and all kinds of filth and lice but Will and Elizabeth look like they were playing dress up in a high school play. Yeah, whatever! The parrot and monkey alone were funnier than Shrek the Third. The movie wraps up several storylines with a ribbon and bow and leaves room for a potential sequel.

There’s a bonus scene after the credits are done rolling if you care about that stuff. Now this trend has been going on for awhile but I”ll be damned if it isn’t annoying as hell. I understand that people involved in the making of a movie want to be acknowledged. In the closing credits everybody from the directors to the actors to the person that holds the boom mic to the caterer to the person who holds Mr. Depp’s dick when he takes a piss gets their name put up. Why don’t they understand that no one gives a fuck about anyone after the actors’ names scroll by? I’m sure the set designers, secondary film crew, and etc. are nice people but you know what fuck’em! Is it really worth it to sit through five or 10 minutes of credits just to see a scene lasting all of a minute? Nope. I’ll wait for the DVD and watch it with the rest of the deleted scenes.

My letter grade for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End C+/B-. The summer blockbuster season so far has been kind of disappointing and weak. If you’re a fan of the first two Pirates of the Caribbean movie then you’ll probably want to finish off the series and catch At World’s End.

Author: Freaky Deaky I'm a horny, opinionated, smart-ass, antisocial, introverted, misanthropic, agnostic, nonconformist, free thinking, hedonistic, highly intelligent, and arrogant black man with a dirty mind.