Birthday with Val

Suck day didn’t actually suck all that much. Overall my extended birthday weekend was pretty cool. Thursday I found out that my ride to the airport wasn’t feeling well so I had to make an adjustment in plans. Fortunately, my sister had my back so I went to my sister’s house, picked her up, and drove to the airport. My mom was mad that the poodle died awhile ago and we’re just now hearing about it. I had only heard part of the conversation because I have a tendency to tune things out (or try to anyway) idle chatter when my mind is on something else (mainly driving to the airport in this case). I heard something about the dog getting hit by a car. I asked her if Tyson was okay and my sister said the name of the street he was hit on. I was still partially zoned out so she repeated the name of the street again and then it clicked. As many roadside memorials as you see going up and down that street for kids that died after getting hit poor Tyson was definitely a goner. R.I.P., ear biter!

My sister was ranting about her husband and it was funny as hell. She also noted that if I ever get married my wife was going to talk about me too but it wasn’t personal. I don’t care. Chances are pretty likely she’ll do things to annoy me so I’ll be burning up her ears too. My mom and my sister were both envious that I was getting out of the city. As much as my brother-in-law is irritating my sister she may be planning on chilling with her best friend in Atlanta for Thanksgiving. He doesn’t know this yet. The older I get the more I’m starting to reevaluate the whole marriage thing. I think I can be okay with a baby’s mama or two. All the benefits of forever pussy without all that messy paperwork. Works for me. Anyway, we get to the airport and I’m taking my things out. Mom wants a hug. She asks if she can get in my bag and come along. Nope. As I kick her back into the car I scream, “Get along now! Go on now! Get I said! I said get!” Okay that didn’t happen. I told her that coming along would put a serious cramp on all the spontaneous birthday weekend sex I had planned. Sike! No, I told her that she couldn’t come because Val didn’t like her. Okay, that didn’t happen either but it could’ve.

I’m starting to become an old hat at security. Although the woman in front of me was slow as I don’t know what. Move bitch I ain’t got all day. Put your shit on the conveyor and get the fuck on. Once I put my pants back on Bubba the security guard blew me a kiss and said I was his favorite cavity search ever. My ass was really sore. Yeah, none of that happened either. I went through security, gathered my stuff, and went down the escalator to the main terminal. I didn’t see anything I wanted at any of the gift shops so I put on a bandanna over my head, took off my shirt (terrified a group of foreign tourists but look for me on You Tube), and shoes and sang Negro spirituals as I began my slave march to the gate. Do you know these motherfuckers assigned my flight to the very last gate? This is the second trip they’ve done that to me on. That’s some bullshit! Just once I want both of my flights to be at the closest gate. Is that asking too much? Fuck you if it is?

I should’ve taken the tram but was incapable of much higher thought as I began my slave march. I did manage to take advantage of some of those moving sidewalks but the tram would’ve been better. Just for a moment I contemplated stealing borrowing one of those airport buggy/cart thingies. I finally make it to the very last gate and it’s crowded like a food stamp center (pre-Bridge card) on the first of the month. The flight before mine was late so we ended up boarding late. When I did the check in the day before the flight wasn’t full. I guess a lot of people wanted to follow me to Parts Unknown because the flight was announced as full. I had the aisle seat, the middle seat was empty, and someone was sitting in the window seat. The row in front of me had two empty seats. Someone please tell me why in the piss blue fuck did this dumb bastard decide to sit in the middle of us? Why me? After about five minutes of me screaming inside of my head and cussing this waste of semen out he gets up and sits in the row in front of us. My lucky streak was just beginning.

The plane landed but we had to wait on the runway for a few minutes so another plane could finish unloading luggage. I’m not really one to have a lot of fears but I’ll admit after about a couple of hours on a plane I start to wrestle with claustrophobia. When you say the plane is supposed to arrive at a certain time then I expect to be on the ground by that time and off the plane within five minutes after getting to the gate. We finally get to the gate and people did something that always makes me want to scratch my head before I put both hands around their necks and start squeezing. Why the fuck do people just stand up in the aisle and do nothing? Grab your fucking bags so when they finally open the door you and everyone else behind you can get to moving! No, these assholes just stand around looking stupid and then get their bags only when the line in front of them has already began moving. (Screams loudly inside of my head.) Fucking move already! God damn it! The other thing that annoys me is when some goody two shoes dumb fuck in front of me stands there and lets a row of two people out in front of him. They all stand there, take forever getting their bags and then finally move. I really wish I could stare at people and make their heads explode like in Scanners. A classic movie by the way.

I have a love/hate relationship with the Parts Unknown airport. They don’t have any trams or moving sidewalks. The worst part is whatever sadistic bastard came up with the designs for the airport made it hilly. Who the fuck does that?! I can see grown men crying when they look at that long ass walk to get outside. I can also see people keeling over and dying of a massive coronary while taking that hike. I’m too fucking big for Heelies but I’ll be damned if I didn’t wish I had a pair of those stupid ass shoe skates in a size 13 whenever I go to the PU airport. If I ever find the architect behind that airport I’m going to kick stomp him in the balls…repeatedly. Evil bastard! Whenever I take over hell there will be a special there just for you. Mark my words! Luckily when I finally made it outside from yet another slave march Val was pretty much waiting for me. I made sure the overseer wasn’t out and made a run for freedom.

It was kind of late to get a cake that night. I was a little sad that I didn’t get to blow out some candles and make a wish but whatever. I was hungry so I asked Val to take me to Mickey D’s, as they were pretty much the only think open that late, so I could get a quick bite. For some reason the Mickey D’s in Parts Unknown has a late night menu where they serve a limited menu. I didn’t like anything on the menu. Is it really any harder to make a double cheeseburger as it is to make a quarter pounder? Whatever. So it was off to Wendy’s and then it was back to her place. I don’t remember what we did immediately after eating. I do know that we eventually retired to her room where we held hands, prayed, and read the bible before turning in for the night, fully dressed of course. Um yeah and if you believe that I can hook you up with an unlocked iPhone for $50. Just bring cash and follow me into this dark alley. Who are those dudes? Those are my associates Roc-Roc, Little Man, Tiny, and Redrum we have a pickup game after I sell you this iPhone. Let’s just say Dick was giving out free Freaky Deaky flavored protein shakes and leave it at that.

Unfortunately, as much as I was looking forward to some shut eye insomnia had other plans for me. I blame myself. I should’ve made a stop to the drug store or Wally’s crib to pick up something to knock my ass out. I don’t sleep well, long, or sometimes at all when I’m away from home or not in my bed. Maybe I’ll get a prescription for something stronger one of these days that I can bring with me next time I see Val. I felt bad since my tossing and turning kept waking her up. She’s a good host and generally caters to me when I’m there. Generally, after about an hour of trying to go to sleep I’m of the mindset of getting up and chilling out in her living room on the couch. No reason I should keep her up with me. Of course, she’s kind of sensitive at times and even though she claims to take some things I say at face value, sometimes I don’t think she understands me or believes me. I’ve had the insomnia thing with plenty of women. When they’re local I usually do what I need to do, chill out with them for a little while, and when I start to feel sleepy or tired take my ass home. This has hurt a few chicks’ feelings in the past. So now, I just try to lay there and be miserable until they fall asleep and then bounce. What? I’m not used to sharing a bed or my personal space for that matter and I don’t sleep well when I’m not home. I understand being sweet and romantic and all of that stuff but at the end of the night I need to sleep and if I’m not home and you don’t have drugs then I’m either going to need some space of my own or I’m going to be tired and uncomfortable.

I knew I was going to have to get up kind of early on Friday. It was going to be a ripping and running kind of day. The plan had been to go to the surplus store, the gun range, grab some lunch, and go to school with Val. She had some important things going on with some of her classes that she couldn’t miss. Those plans didn’t work out so well. We did go to the surplus store but they didn’t really have much there that day. I was going to look at some computers but I wasn’t really impressed with anything they had. One laptop actually had a 5 GB hard drive. Five gigs?! Wow, my mp3 player holds more data than that. After we left the surplus store it was off to grab a bite to eat. Val called previously to see what time they opened and whoever she talked to gave her some bad info. They weren’t going to be open for about an hour.

Val figured we’d be at the gun range for at least an hour and she had to be at school by noon. So with 90 minutes of nothing to do we decided to go to her campus. She took me to one of the computer labs on campus and I played around there for awhile. Sometime after Val left for her classes the lab got overrun with a bunch of young ghetto dudes. I can’t think of the male equivalent of a hood rat at the moment but these niggers were it. Talking loud and acting like future felons. I swear one guy got on My Space and acted like it was the first time he ever saw a chick’s ass before. I took my leave and went to the lounge which was damn near empty except for one guy studying. I went to the far end and while I knew I wasn’t going to fall asleep my head was nodding and I did spend some time gazing at the back of my eyelids. By the time Val came I was damn close to kicking off my shoes and taking a nap on the couch. I don’t know what material was covering that couch but it was pretty comfortable. That and the fact that I was damned tired.

I managed to do a halfway decent job of not stumbling out of the door. We went back to the pizza place which was now open for business. The pizza was pretty good as evidenced by the mess I made all over my shirt. The place could stand to lose a couple of tables so there would be more room to move around and work with but otherwise no complaints. Well, let me alter that. I don’t know what was up with their hot sauce. It was more like a cream them a true liquid and it still tasted watered down. Next time I’ll bring my own. After that I thought we’d go home but Val kept driving and driving. She told me we were going to the range on Saturday so I had no clue where we were going. She stopped at what looked like an upscale strip mall.

To be continued.

Author: Freaky Deaky I'm a horny, opinionated, smart-ass, antisocial, introverted, misanthropic, agnostic, nonconformist, free thinking, hedonistic, highly intelligent, and arrogant black man with a dirty mind.