Bet you weren’t expecting a post today. Quit lying! What’s up boys and girls? My hiatus was fine. Relaxed, murdered millions of knuckle babies, and blah, blah, blah. I’ve missed some of you like I miss my left nut, if I were missing my left nut. Which, by the way, I’m not but feel free to gum around down there and hum til your heart’s content or I bust all up in your face and hair, whichever happens first. And the dish ran off with the spoon. That spoon is such a confused slut! You know he got his name from what Big Bubba used to make him do after the nightly ass raping in prison. Spoon is a straight up catcher, if you know what I mean. What?! You know you’ve missed my classic non sequiturs. The rest of you (crossing my fingers hoping the lurkers fell off the face of the earth and are now being tormented in their rightful circle of hell)…well, how the fuck have you been?!
I’m really frustrated trying to get a Christmas present for Val. I really dislike shopping for women. It’s too time consuming and requires too much thought to ever be even remotely enjoyable to me. I’d rather give her cash, check, or a gift card and be done with it. I thought I was going to get out of reliving the horror that is Valentine’s day but apparently I’ve been drafted into that too. Fuck! Well, I guess I should be lucky that I don’t have to shop with her to get the present. Shopping with women is even more hellish than shopping for women. Truth of the matter is the only reason I even give out gifts is because I like receiving them. In a perfect world I wouldn’t have to be bothered and I’d still get a boat load of shit from admirers for my birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s day, Sweetest day, and I Love Freaky day (I haven’t decided when that day should be but I’m thinking summer sounds good.) What?! The fucked up thing is if I didn’t buy presents for other people I could spend that money on myself. Now that I think about it what exactly is the purpose of exchanging gifts?
My semester ends next week. I can’t say it’ll be here soon enough. I have to do a presentation next week for my International Business class. I hate public speaking on so many levels. Mainly because the things I have to do in order do well don’t come naturally to me. I’m not much of a smiler. I hate making eye contact with strangers. I don’t like people staring at me. Oh and lets not forget the whole projection of one’s voice. Yay! I’m soft spoken and I don’t particularly like raising my voice. I generally save that for when I’m pissed off or really excited. I’ve started the paper and plan to have it finished by Saturday. Memorizing what I’m going to say isn’t really a problem since it’s a relaxed, free forming type of presentation. I can bullshit my way through it. I just hope I don’t have to go first or last.
Val is coming up from Parts Unknown in about two weeks to end the year with me. I have no idea what I’m going to do to entertain her. We always do a movie and I’m guessing we’ll be seeing AVP: Requiem. I haven’t been to the movies in at least a month, I think. That’s a long time for me. Nothing has really been out that I had to see. I don’t even know why I’m even going to admit this here but there is a part of me that wants to see the Chipmunks movie. Of course, I don’t want to see it with any kids and the theater will be full of them. Other people’s kids make for great birth control don’t they? I’ll find something we can do. Maybe we’ll play plumber so she can unclog my pipes. What?! Freaky gotta bust.
She called me earlier in the week and asked me if I had found anyone local yet. I didn’t know I was supposed to be looking. Yeah, every now and then I flirt a little. Why is everybody looking at me like that? Fuck you, don’t judge me! Only god can judge me! Whateva! Whateva! When the tests come back I want your hoe ass out of my life forever! I am not the father! Oh sorry, I was having a Maury moment. This is the time of year to cut people from the team, not add them. I’d kill myself if I had to worry about getting yet another chick a present. No thank you. I remember when I was younger this would be the time of year I broke up with chicks. No girlfriend, no having to buy girlfriend a Christmas present. Oh like I’m the only one! Whatever! The fucked up part is when I’m single this is usually the time of year I start meeting chicks. My dick don’t know them from the palm of my hand but they still ask for presents. I had to start carrying a can of Hoe B Gone to fend them off. Greedy bitches! I don’t want to put you on a pedestal. Put me on a pedestal, damn it! I deserve it. Anyway, she seems to think I flirt with everyone. That just isn’t true. There are plenty of people that I don’t and haven’t flirted with
…yet. I kid, somewhat. Even I have limits. I take great umbrage with that.
Last call for you to get your questions in for Ask Freaky Anything. Don’t say I didn’t give you a chance to participate.
I’m out like Father Flanigan’s dick at preschool.