I can’t believe I haven’t done one of these since July of last year. Damn, somebody should’ve told me it had been that long since I’ve done a Fuck it Friday! Oh well, better late than never.
Let me explain how Fuck it Friday works in case you’re new, a lurker, or you’re a short bus rider. Fuck it Friday is my spotlight rant post where I give extra special attention to the people, places, and things that have irked me, pissed me the fuck off, or otherwise are begging for the one finger salute with extreme prejudice! You’re free to and encouraged to join in as well. This post contains a hijacked Somali boatload of profanity. I cuss. If you haven’t noticed that after reading more than one or two posts then you sir (or ma’am) are a complete an utter dumbass. At times my rants may be misogynistic, racist, elitist, blasphemous, mean spirited, anti-children, anti-baby mama, anti anything for that matter, arrogant, seething with snarkiness, and pretty much piss in the face of what you believe and your sensibilities. With that said, tough titties bitches! Pull up your big girl panties and hold on or get to steppin’ and kick sharp rocks! As is everything else in my blog this post is written from my perspective. If anything I say hits a bit too close to home for you then fuck you! You need to work on that because it’s your problem, not mine. Now with that out of the way read on.
Fuck the bitch who fell into a water fountain while texting! I know you’re mad and embarrassed as hell, as you should be but to sue the mall because the security guards laughed at your oblivious ass and didn’t come to your aid? I hope your dumbass sees that video everyday for the rest of your life.
Fuck every time I go to the smell good store they always ask me if I’m buying something for my woman! Wait, I can’t like to smell good too? Every time they do this I buy less stuff then I might have because you annoyed me. While we’re at it how come the men’s section they point me to is only about four shelves deep? If that’s the case then just say your store is for women only and I’ll just go somewhere and stew in my funk like I guess you think all men like to do or should.
Fuck all the information people want from you just to buy something from them! You don’t need my name and number for me to get a pizza especially when I’m standing right there and paying cash. Nor do you need my e-mail address and zip code when I want to buy some smell goods. Unless I’m buying some plutonium, pussy, or plutonium laced pussy then please, just take my money, shut the fuck up, and leave me alone! Next thing I know you’re going to want to take pictures of my balls and grope me before I can place an order.
Fuck the loud ass yamps who couldn’t be bothered to shut the fuck up on New Year’s Eve night! It’s like everyone around here are incapable of turning down the volume but I’m wrong if I open my window and throw some hot, smelly ass fish grease on them? Get the fuck out of here! I shouldn’t have to close my window to mute your cackling asses and even when I do, it still sounds like you bitches are in the same room with me. One day I can see myself gunning people like you the fuck down! I understand why people snap. I really, truly do!
Fuck no one ever having time for me until I finally find a distraction and then having the unmitigated nerve to get mad when I don’t come running to jump in their lap! I especially hate it when a chick doesn’t have shit to say until I’m talking to somebody else and then she wants to get chatty and yap my ears off. Nope! You had your chance now you have to wait. Honestly the only reason why I still deal with some people is because I haven’t found their replacements yet. Beyonce already told your ass you’re not irreplaceable. Better start reading those memos.
Fuck unnecessary app upgrades! Look I have nothing against anyone making some money but updating your apps just to include ads is some straight up bullshit! Especially when your ads make the app laggy or is placed in a spot that makes it annoying and ruins the functionality and/or enjoyment of said app. *cough* Angry Birds! *cough* I’d rather pay a one time fee for the game and get it ad free then to deal with the lagginess and delays of waiting for your mobile ad network to load. Seriously, you make me want to go back to rooting my phone just so I don’t have to deal with ads.
Fuck Twitter’s random jankiness! Why do I get a hovercard every time somebody retweets something telling me what a retweet is? Why isn’t there a way to turn that bullshit off? Speaking of turning off bullshit how come there’s no options to turn off your suggestion feature? Seems to me like you just cycle through who everyone I’m following follows which kills any usefulness it could ever have for me since I don’t like following a bunch of people in the same circle anyway. Don’t even get me started on the changing tweet and follower counts.
Fuck the state taking forever and a day to give me my damn money! It’s my money and I want it now! I have plans for it so somebody needs to get off of their ass and cut that check. Don’t make me powder my pimp hand!
Fuck people who claim to love their haters! Fuck you and your alleged haters! I love people who love me. I love people who want to let me paint their insides. I love people that entertain me. Love a hater? Get the fuck out of here! I wouldn’t piss on your ass if it was on fire and I’ve been wanting to piss on somebody for awhile. Haters get no love from me but they can get deez nuts and I might even wash them before I let you choke on them!
Fuck the United States Postal Service! Seems like the only thing those fuckers can deliver on time are bills and bad news. You fuckers lose a package I was supposed to get and want information I don’t have in order to allegedly track it. What part of a surprise gift don’t you assholes understand? Now your ass wants to try to hide the yearly price increase of postage by making all new stamps forever stamps. I see what you’re trying to do there. You motherfuckers might actually be the reason I finally get into online bill payments.
Fuck the government for adding the H1N1 vaccine into the 2010 flu shot! I didn’t want that shit last time, I don’t want it this year, and I probably won’t want it next year either. Shit, for all I know that’s the reason all of those animals are showing up dead.
Fuck rebooting recent movies! I know Hollywood is devoid of all originality and innovation but come on already! If the last movie sucked hot, shitty donkey balls please don’t throw some water on it and try to tell me it’s a couple of Cadbury Cream Eggs. I don’t mind you recasting but why the fuck do you have to start over again from the beginning? Been there, saw that, it sucked! Move forward, please.
Fuck people trying to push electric vehicles on us! Look, I drive a SUV and I can also be crippled by a cheap attack because I can be a cheap bastard. I think $3.19 a gallon gas sucks dick but I’ll take my roomy, dependable SUV over a small ass clown car that needs to be plugged in every night and only gets about 100 miles a charge. Now if you build an electric powered SUV that gets more miles per charge and charging stations are more common then maybe I’d consider it until then keep working on alternative means and lower the damn gas prices!
Fuck people who say things are cool between you when they’re not! I’ll be the first one to say my anger works itself out (or not) on it’s own schedule if that’s the case with you as well then let me know and I’ll leave you alone until you’re ready to talk. However, if for whatever reason you can’t (or won’t) let go that’s cool too. Just let me know and I’ll leave you alone. If things can’t be how they were I’m under no obligation to accept how things are.
Fuck hospitals! I hate how most of the patients look like they’re trying to limp away from the Grim Reaper! I hate the constant noise! I hate the smell! I hate the cheap and tacky furniture! I hate wondering if I’m going to get that dreaded call! Unless I’m going to see the birth of my first or future children I never want to be inside another hospital again.
Fuck drivers who are in such a hurry to get out of the parking lot and onto the road in front of you! You are at a dead stop and I’m traveling the speed limit. There’s no way you can pull out in front of me and not get the rear of your vehicle tore the fuck up unless I slow down or change lanes. One day I’m seriously going to say fuck it and hit you assholes. That day is coming soon. I hope your dumbass gets ejected and ran over by your own vehicle.
Fuck Netflix trying to do away with their DVDs! I don’t currently use the option as I do the streaming only, however, I’ve thought about cancelling my subscription a couple of times. Unless you make the titles that are currently available as DVD only part of the streaming catalog then you’re going to have a lot of pissed of people jumping ship to Blockbuster, Vudu, Amazon On Demand, or someone else. Frankly your streaming library isn’t all that impressive so unless you upgrade that shit soon it’s deuces for me and I’m guessing a lot of other people. It’s a shame too because I like your service.
Fuck Beyond Scared Straight! The premise is good but the execution, not so much. Kids have been watching the Maury Show for many years now and they know and have probably been told that the inmates aren’t allowed to touch or harm them. I won’t argue that the whole prison atmosphere isn’t unsettling but at the end of the day unless the kids are really soft, sheltered, or young they’re not going to be scared straight. The other problems I have are that the prisoners come off as acting bad but really being nice like a heterosexual Madea instead of menacing felons trying to scare borderline kids into walking the straight and narrow. Basically Beyond Scared Straight is Scared Straight light. I think kids may be too desensitized to violence and the threat of it for BSS to be effective. One more thing, quit censoring the motherfucking cussing damn it!
Fuck Judge Milian! I can’t stand it how she never lets people finish a complete thought without interrupting and talking over them! Does she get paid by the word or something? If not then Jesus fucking Christ woman shut the fuck up and let people finish a god damn sentence! Ugh! Listen without talking!
Fuck those Old El Paso commercials! Those commercials offend the fuck out of me and I’m not Hispanic. They always start with some “slow” adult wondering how to solve a simple problem which is subsequently solved by a child with a throwaway comment and a huge celebration is thrown to end the commercial. Seriously? I guess tacos are to Hispanic stereotypes what fried chicken is to African Americans. Ignorant ass corporations and advertising companies!
Fuck your weekend, fuck what you heard, fuck what you saw, and fuck yo’ couch nigga! I’m out in 5…4…3…2…1