The friend zone

I had kind of an awkward conversation last week.  I was asked by not one but three people if they were among the ones I planned on leaving behind in 2011.   The first person who asked was unfortunately one I planned on leaving behind.  It’s always been hard for me to break things off and end friendships.  I have some very deep abandonment issues and it strikes me as kind of wrong to push people away who claim to want my friendship.  There are few things more meaningful to me than knowing someone specifically wants to be in my life, get to know me and care about me.  How can anyone say no to that?

I find myself having to answer that and take action.  Seems like the strength and intensity of my friendships have diminished.  I know that ebbs & tides in friendships and relationships are natural and to be expected but when is enough enough?  I guess my answer is when what felt like an oasis simply becomes a barren wasteland.  I’ve always believed in the saying out of sight, out of mind and when weeks turn into months and months turn into years or longer it’s obvious that something has changed.  Even if when we talk or get together it seems like no time has passed between us, time has passed between us and in that time something is lost that can’t be regained.  For too long I’ve given certain people a pass because of our history and accepted excuses as explanations.  Work is kicking your ass?  Ok.  School is taking up all of your time?  Ok.  Commitments to your kids, husband or wife?  Sure, ok.  Excuses don’t explain and explanations don’t excuse.  It’s always been my feeling that if something or someone is important to you then you make an effort to show, prove, nurture, and protect that.  Apparently, that feeling isn’t mutual with anyone and that’s a problem.  Anyway, I was honest with her.  I didn’t stammer or stutter or try to sugarcoat anything.  I told her that yes, she was being left behind.  She said that she had a feeling she would be.  I think it’s kind of fucked up that you’d rather be resigned to that fact then step up but that’s why we are where we are, right?  Anyway, she wished me luck and told me that I could contact her anytime I wanted to.  I told her that I would endeavor not to and wished her success and good luck and that was that.

I’m kind of wondering about the strength of my conviction since I still haven’t deleted her contact info from my phone or computer yet.  I guess know I should do it.  I guess it’s that part of me that doesn’t want to be abandoned by yet another person…again hoping against hope that things will change.  It won’t.  It never does.  It never will.  I know this but still…  I could use some encouragement or something.  Hopefully, I muster up the wherewithal to digitally purge her once and for all before the weekend is over.

I also created a profile on a dating site recently.  I’m not sure how that’s going to go but I’m glad I finally made the attempt.  It took way too long to come up with a description for myself.  I really hate the whole describe yourself on demand thing.  I’ve always hated it.  I don’t want anything long term because I plan on moving by the summer.  I’ve also come to the realization that I don’t want a purely platonic friendship either.  They don’t make friends like they used to and because of that I’m not really inclined to invest the time or emotions into someone who more than likely is just going to disappoint, hurt, and abandon me.  If I’m going to be perfectly honest with myself and anyone else I’d say I want a friend with benefits.  If pussy isn’t an option on the table I’m not really interested and there’s nothing you can do for me.  Not trying to be your best friend just a sex friend.

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