Fuck cell phones! It’s 2012 so can someone tell me why I can’t have a conversation with certain people without sounding like an 80 year old woman screaming, “What?!” It’s always something like the volume is too low, the voice comes in and out, or something else. This is why I still prefer a landline for actual conversations.
Fuck government agency paperwork! All the days through the year that you could send me paperwork why the fuck would you saddle me with that shit around the holidays? For that matter why do I have to write out all that shit anyway? Shouldn’t there be a short form or a box I can check saying nothing has changed since last time? Oh wait, that would be too much like right, huh? How about extending the deadline to return that shit too? You want me to jump on command through your flaming hoops and I can’t even get a full two weeks? Let me think of a way to make your job more difficult and annoying and don’t say jack shit to me about it either!
Fuck Jay-Z! So now that he has a baby girl he doesn’t want to use the word bitch anymore in his songs. Really?! You have a mother right? And a wife? They never caused you to have an aversion to calling females bitches but now that you’re daddy something changed? *Riley voice* Dear Jay-Z you are a bitch, wait, wait, you are a bitch ass nigga! You can’t stop using bitch anymore than a Republican can stop worrying about women’s reproductive organs and blaming the poor, a priest can stop molesting little boys and admit he’s gay, a Klansman can stop saying nigger and burning crosses, or I can stop saying fuck and thinking about pussy, ass, and throat!
Fuck slow ass deliveries! I’m talking about you UPS and you too USPS! For some reason the postal service has a problem uniting me with cards during the holidays in a timely manner, so far Christmas and Valentine’s Day. The worst part is that they don’t even acknowledge that there was a delay either not bothering with a postmark or not noticing that today’s date is over a month later than the postmark. Seriously?! And you wonder why you’re hemorrhaging money and customers?
Fuck chicks who ain’t giving me pussy worried about what I’m doing with or for another chick! If you stepped up and provided what I needed or wanted from you in the first place then the chick you’re curious/worried about probably wouldn’t have even been noticed on my radar in the first place. What you did to get my (attention, love, attraction, whatever) is what you have to keep doing in order to keep it. You didn’t. You fucked up, not me. If you can’t do better than just stay on the sideline pouting but miss me with the questions and her with the shade. Got it? Good!
Fuck Chris Brown & Rihanna! Chris Brown is a fucking immature scumbag with anger issues who honestly shouldn’t be allowed near a computer or a woman without sane, adult supervision. His fans are horny, delusional, apologists and I hope he does the same shit or worse to your daughters that he did to Rihanna. Wonder if you’d still be enamored with his psycho ass then. Then again maybe his fans are a bunch of horny, battered wives and thirsty, abused bitches who get off on being slapped around and choked out by felons and thugs because of their unresolved daddy issues. If that’s the case then you deserve each other. Now onto Ri-Ri. *sigh* What part of he beat the piss out of you and pistol-whipped your dingy ass doesn’t trigger some sort of “I need to leave this nigga alone and work on some things about myself” response? I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t understand the whole battered woman syndrome but you’re not married to him, you don’t have kids with him, you don’t live with him, and I don’t think he had a gun to your puppy’s head either so there’s no reason other than mental illness, masochism, or gross stupidity for you to ever acknowledge his existence let alone work with him on not one but two songs. Bitch is you serious?! With that said and based on how you tweet I think that two piece he gave you destroyed what little brains you may have had. Oh yeah, you got anger issues too and I’d still fuck you once at least if given the chance. What?! Don’t judge me!
Fuck the clueless hoebag bitch who almost ran into me because she couldn’t be bothered to look in her mirrors or listen to the blaring horn announcing that I was already in the goddamned space at the time! The fact that this bitch had the nerve to wave thank you as if I was actually trying to let her in my lane instead of avoiding an accident pissed me the fuck off even more. I swear if she had hit me I would’ve lost my fucking mind. *breathe* She got a glare, two middle fingers and a fucking dumbass bitch in case she can read lips since she finally decided to look in her rearview. White people and women drivers are the bane of my driving experiences.
Fuck Presidential debates! The Republicans have one about as many times as President Obama gives a boring, droning speech. That’s way too often for you Obamatons. All the double talking, shade throwing, and flat out lying the candidates devote their time to I’m failing to see what the point of the debate is. Well, unless you want me to rank them by how loathsome and unlikable I find them after any given debate.
Fuck pro-lifers! (Fuck mistakes I didn’t catch sooner!) I have no problem with you not wanting to have an abortion. Great, don’t have one! You just annoy the hell out of me when you want to ban it for everyone and use excuses like you don’t want your tax dollars funding it. I don’t want my tax dollars going towards things or people I don’t agree with but I don’t have the option to pick and choose who and what my money goes towards and guess what? Neither do you! Quit worrying about what I’m doing and live your life your way.
Fuck doctor’s appointments! How exactly can you get enough information to make any kind of diagnosis by just asking me a couple of questions and some rudimentary tests? Seriously, I spend more time filling out the paperwork then I do with some of these doctors and you wonder why I don’t see the merit in seeing you assclowns when I’m not sick or in pain on the regular? Guess that goes to show that just because you’re educated doesn’t mean you’re smart. It’s also yet another reason why I don’t fuck with doctors unless I absolutely have to.
Fuck hoodrat bitches with little nappy headed nigglets that want to act like they’re at a sports competition at 2:30 in the motherfucking morning! I wish you would’ve swallowed those little bastards or your mama swallowed your worthless ass! Tell them little bastards to sit the fuck down or give them some NyQuil after 6PM. As far as I’m concerned children should be seen and not heard & asleep and not annoying the fuck out of grown people.
Fuck slow opponents in Word Feud, Words With Friends, and Hanging With Words! Look I know people get busy and life happens but honestly, if you have no intentions of or can’t finish a game within 24 hours or 36 hours max then don’t fucking challenge me! There’s nothing fun about waiting days for you to take your next turn especially when we’re out of tiles and down to the last couple of words. Come the fuck on already and let’s finish the damn game, geez!
Fuck the people in Tennessee who killed a couple because they defriended somebody! We’re killing people because they don’t want us in their social networks now? Guess you can’t keep crazy in a box, huh? I defriend and unfollow people all the time. If everyone I purged tried to kill me I’d be a lot madder about not fucking more of them first and dead.
Fuck Christians! How come they’re usually the first to be offended yet the last to give a damn about offending others?! I don’t generally go out of my way to offend, intentionally or otherwise but who the fuck are you to demand apologies, punishment, or anything else for perceived offenses? Everyone isn’t a Christian so get over yourselves! Atheists and agnostics are customers, friends, lovers, voters, etc. and your way isn’t the only way and it sure as hell isn’t my way. Whatever happened to do unto others as you would have them do unto you? You wouldn’t want to have to live under my personal godless beliefs so why do you think anyone wants to live under those of yours or your god? Live and let live and sometimes maybe shut the fuck about some things and quit feeling threatened by different beliefs. It’s not all about you. Now have this vanilla wafer and some grape juice served by a future predator that’s been molested by your priest and sit yo’ ass the fuck down you holy rolling assclowns! Okay? Thanks!
Fuck women who keep going for the same goddamned type of dude they swear they were over and wonder why the same bullshit keeps happening to them! Seriously, how many times do you have to burn your hand before you figure out ouch the stove is hot? Don’t look for any sort of sympathy from me because truth be told you’re stupid, you deserve it, and I told you so. You like the fuckery you attract. Grow up!
Fuck social network friends suggestions! Those irritate the fuck out of me because whatever algorithms they use can’t make rhyme or reason out who I’d want to be friends with and why. Fuck them for not having a way to prevent the same motherfuckers I didn’t want to follow or friend the last half dozen times you presented them from popping up another eleventy seven times. The ex of my ex is not a suitable suggestion, neither are people I defriended or unfollowed. Why I need to tell you this is beyond me.
Fuck people who follow you and never say shit to you ever! You sir/ma’am are a lurker and I abhor your ilk from the bottom of my heart and the deepest recesses of my ass! You are an abomination to social networks! If you’re going to stalk me the least you can do is let me know that I’m being stalked and offer me some ass before going apeshit crazy and making me double tap that ass, you worthless pariahs!
Fuck the movie, The Help! Can we get a well made, Oscar worthy film with Black people that doesn’t involve them playing magic Negroes, maids, nannies, criminals, or have anything to do with racism? It’s 2012 and we’re still making, watching, and hyping this bullshit! Why can’t Hollywood take a script for pretty much any mainstream movie and cast it with minorities or just add some? Why are we, and by we I mean Black women especially, happy about this same old recycled paint by numbers movie? Quit telling me to see it. I’m running out of excuses and ways to say, “Nah, I’m straight.”
Fuck the evil, no soul having, dumbass gangbangers who shot into a house and killed a 9 month old baby! Where do I begin with this fuckery? How the fuck are you a thug shooting a house over 30 times and still can’t manage to hit whoever the fuck you were gunning for? You need your damn thug card revoked until you go to a gun range and pass a shooting course you stupid fucktards! You’re a weak, punk-ass bitch to be in a gang or associated with one in the first place. You need strength in numbers because you’re too weak willed to go it alone. Fuck the nigglet hoodlums on TV trying to tell people what neighborhood they can be in when they don’t own a brick or blade of grass in that very neighborhood. Worthless ass parents beget worthless ass kids.
Fuck UPS! Every damn package I get smells like a two pack a day smoker smoked while packing my shit and rubbed the box and items on his clothing to make sure I get every bit of second and third hand smoke he could muster. I bet if you open those cheap ass air bags they pack that you’ll start coughing due to the stale cigarette smoke smell.
Fuck people who do stupid shit to themselves that end up annoying and pissing them off! Why the hell do motherfuckers watch Fox News and complain about the shit they say? You know the station has a conservative bend, right? That’s like me watching and complaining about the KKK channel or the Jesus is Coming Back Network. It ain’t for you so move on or at the very least complain somewhere else you simple ass twatwaffle! I don’t even want to hear about that keeping your enemies close bullshit because that strategy is for people in “real” life not on your god damn TV!
Well, that’s all folks! It’s been a long time since I’ve done one of these. As usual fuck all lurkers, fuck your weekend, fuck whoever you’re fucking, and fuck your couch, nigga! Autobots transform and roll out of this bitch!