Doubting

I’ve heard of funerals lately being called homecomings and homegoings.  I think both of them sound a bit flippant for my tastes.  They sound like a party and that you’re there to have a good time.  I’ve told people that I don’t want a funeral but if they feel the need to have one if it’s referred to as either a homecoming or homegoing I will rise from the dead and murder everyone involved.  There, it needed to be said.

Now that Justin Bieber is 18 and legal he’s technically too old to fuck the majority of his fans or to be fucked by pedophiles.  They must be bummed.

Hulk Hogan has a sex tape being shopped around but still no Rihanna or Serena Williams sex tape?  Oh giggling sweet baby Jebus how is that even remotely fair?

If I have to be subjected to one more of these follow-the-leader, sheep ass Twitter and Facebook activists cryings about Joseph Kony I’m going to grab my trench coat and a gun and start blasting people.  Seriously, how the fuck is a hashtag or pleas to watch a depressing ass video actually going to change anything?  It’s not!

I think I have a date for my trip to select my next hometown.  It’s finally starting to feel real, a bit overwhelming at times, but real.  Still trying to decide the itinerary which seems to change at least once a week.  Still deciding between driving or flying and renting a car.  The latter is easier and quicker but the former is cheaper.  I swear every time I think about visiting one of the places I’m considering I hear some crazy news story that makes the people seem worse than the ones here. Regardless I plan on being in a new town by this summer.  

My sleeping has been fucked up once again.  My mind keeps thinking about things I don’t want to think about or just won’t turn off and think about random things in general.  My BW suggested melatonin which I’ll probably check out next time I go to the pharamacy.  This is ridiculous.  I need my sleep and some good sleep at that.  Scientist need to find a way to mix pussy and tequila in a pill.  If that doesn’t put me to sleep then nothing short of horse tranquilizers or roofies probably will.

Every time I think I don’t need to keep my guard up someone does something that makes me realize that I was grossly stupid and wrong.  Someone did some shady shit to me recently and now I find myself questioning everything since I’ve known her.  The fact that she doesn’t think it’s a big deal or see why I’d have a problem with it just makes me feel some kind of way.  I’m not sure if I feel more pissed off or hurt if I had to define it.  Nope, what bothers me the most is that she doesn’t care.  I’ve always considered myself a good judge of character but lately I’m doubting it.  I’m doubting a lot of things… and people.

Trust is like an eraser, it gets smaller and smaller after each mistake.

I don’t get women.  I’m stoic, cold, difficult, and aloof when I hold everything in but when I share my feelings or what I’m thinking then not only am I sensitive, I’m now oversensitive.  Now let me state for the record that I don’t share every little feeling and thought I have.  However, when I do share them I don’t want to feel like a fool, belittled, or otherwise regret the effort. I usually start off with little things as a test. I figure if your reactions suck with the minor stuff then it’s probably going to suck if I ever really needed a shoulder or tried to share anything serious, meaningful, and major to me. Isn’t an exchange of thoughts and feelings part of the process of getting to know someone?  I mean if you don’t know anything about my thoughts or feelings then how on earth can you claim to know me or be my friend?  Now with that said, I’ve met some insensitive bitches lately.  I’m accepting of a lot of things but insensitivity, especially when it’s directed at me, is a definite dealbreaker. Seriously, I don’t even want to spend time dealing with you. You’re toxic to me.

I had a chick get mad at me because I didn’t find her sense of humor very funny.  A lot of times I let things slide but I’ve been trying to make a more concerted effort to speak up, rather than bottling it up and letting bad feelings grow.  I felt like she was taking some liberties with the jokes so I told her about it.  Even I find some things offensive given the context.  Also, I felt she hasn’t known me long enough or well enough to joke like that with me so I told her.  I get accused of being too serious and no fun.  She then gives me an “apology” saying, “I’m sorry you were offended by my sense of humor.”  *sigh*  Really?!  You want to go there?  First off, I hate fake apologies.  Even as a kid, I refused to give them or accept them.  I’m sorry you were offended by my sense of humor to me is like saying I’m sorry you didn’t get the joke.  You blame the problem on my lack of understanding instead of the fact that I just didn’t find it appropriate or humorous.  I’d think that anyone I’d have a conversation with would be old enough and wise enough to know how to offer a sincere apology.  “I’m sorry I offended you, it wasn’t my intention,” is a proper apology, “I’m sorry you’re offended” is not.  Of course, it’s possible that the apology isn’t sincere and if that’s the case you’re entitled to feel that way.  If that’s how you feel then just shut the fuck up and don’t say anything.  I’ll still think you’re an asshole but at least you won’t be slapping me in the face with another offence.   She claimed she didn’t give out pseudo apologies.  I told her she just did.  My new standard response for sorry you feel that way will now be, “Fuck you, that fake ass apology, and the broom you flew in on, bitch!”  As many bridges as I burn I should get discounts on gas and matches. To her credit at least she didn’t say, “Well we’ll just have to agree to disagree.”  I hate that saying because honestly we don’t have to agree to disagree especially over some bullshit.  People generally feel very comfortable with me sometimes too comfortable.

Had dinner with my mom and sister today. It was kind of nice, almost felt normal. My sister asked me if I was ready to move and if I’d miss the winters? I’m more than ready to move. In fact I wish I could do it sooner. As for the winters… cold without snow sucks and the snow has been seriously lacking this year. As long as it’s cool enough at night to sleep with my windows open and get a nice chill then I can make do. Not sure how I’m going to handle Christmas without snow. Sure we didn’t have any here but there’s at least a 50/50 chance. Wherever I move to the chances will much lower. *shrugs* I’ll figure out some new traditions and adapt.
 

Author: Freaky Deaky I'm a horny, opinionated, smart-ass, antisocial, introverted, misanthropic, agnostic, nonconformist, free thinking, hedonistic, highly intelligent, and arrogant black man with a dirty mind.