Fuck people who use your stuff and change the settings! First off, I have my shit set up the way I like it! Being that I don’t like to share this works out great. I’m not a total meanie though and sometimes sharing is caring, especially when I might want or need to use your stuff (i.e. pussy, ass, mouth, gadgets, money, whatever) later. With that said unless you’re as familiar with what I’m using as I am don’t change a fucking thing unless you know how to and remember to change it back. This goes for my computer, car stereo, or anything else. If you really need to change something than for the love of Sweet Baby Jebus fucking ask. If I change it I’ll probably remember that it has been changed and make sure I know how to change it back. There’s nothing worse than turning something on, seeing your changes, and screaming what the fuck did you to my [insert gadget’s name].
Fuck Sprint! The 4G LTE is finally trickling on around these parts and I don’t have a problem with it. What I’m having a problem with is fees going up, discounts being eliminated, and other shit that results in a higher bill than expected without any notification and explanation of why. Damn Sprint, I’m trying to like you, really I am. You’re like the hot girl that looks like a younger Mariah Carey that I would bone in the bed of anyone I know, on top of them, but you’re so fucking stupid I want to punch you in the head instead of stabbing you with my rage boner! I shouldn’t have to email you every damn month!
Fuck people who ain’t talking about shit but want to get chatty on texts when I’m trying to watch one of my shows! I’m not trying to miss something in Spartacus, The Walking Dead, True Blood, American Horror Story or one of my other shows to read some smiley face or “lol” bullshit you send me. For that matter don’t inflict your boredom on me. You texted me because you wanted to be entertained, well guess what? I want to be entertained to instead of feeling like I have to jump through flaming hoops to keep things going and fun. Not saying you have to have something to say every single time but don’t keep dragging on that particular convo if it’s gasping for its last breath. Let it die. There will be other times.
Fuck my first generation Kindle Fire tablet! Seriously, when was the last time there was an update for us? I hate when people release a product and never update it after the new version comes out. If I trusted Craigslist I’d sell that bitch so quickly.
Fuck women who wear those long, thick, heavy ass, caterpillar legs looking fake eye lashes! I fucking hate those! I can’t take you seriously when I have to fight the urge to take off my shoe, smack you in the face, and spray you in the eyes with a can of raid until you stop blinking. Maybe if you’re going to club or somewhere you might want to glam it up but I don’t need to see that shit at Mickey D’s, Target, or CVS. I ain’t got time for that shit!
Fuck scripted reality shows! Reality doesn’t have a damn script! I hate that moment when I’m watching a so-called reality show and then something happens to shatter the whole pretense of it being real. I have no problem with fake but let me know from the beginning that it’s fake instead of trying to be slick. Brings back memories of being disappointed when finding out pro-wrestling is scripted, my mom is Santa Claus, demonic possession is severe mental illness, and there is no such thing as God.
Fuck all those Sasquatch, ghost, and monster hunting shows on TV! You mean to tell me we can find extinct species of animals that roamed the planet 60 million years ago and fish that lives in depths too dark and deep for man to travel but with eleventy-seven of these shows on the air you can’t find, capture, and prove the existence of one these creatures you spot every episode and want us to believe are real? I don’t know what I’m more pissed off about, the fact that someone is paying you, that you have fans/viewers, or I haven’t figured out a way to monetize my brilliance and PT Barnum you assholes. Yeah, I’m going for the last one.
Fuck every last one of those stupid Harlem Shake videos! I wish people would organize, run up on, and hit every last one of these Harlem Shaking assclowns in the head with a Louisville slugger! I got a shake for you bitch, it’s called a grand mal seizure! Take that! Now, how the fuck do you like shaking now?!
Fuck Time Warner Cable! I thought Comcast was shitty but Time Warner takes the cake for worst cable I’ve ever had. They send updates that reboot your box while you’re in the middle of watching a show that take a fucking hour to complete, certain channels are just unwatchable after 1:00 am because of stuttering, and their DVR likes to randomly stop working when watching shows. If Uverse doesn’t come to this neighborhood soon I might give in a try satellite. Their wack ass equipment made me so mad once I actually punched the cable box so hard it never worked again.
Fuck gas prices being damn near 20 cents higher in one part of the city than the other! The cost of getting the gas there isn’t any more expensive so why the fuck is there discrepancies from one side of the side to the other? Hell why are gas prices sometimes different between gas stations on opposite corners? I’m tired of these high ass gas prices!
Fuck people still arguing about the influence of 2Pac & Biggie and/or who was better! They weren’t revolutionaries, civil rights leaders, or community organizers. They were just two niggas that liked to get high and rap about what they saw while high. Neither released enough work to be seriously considered the greatest of all time. They were just popular rappers. They’re dead. Get over it.
Fuck television executives switching around premiere and finale dates all willy nilly! Why would The Walking Dead’s season 3 finale go up against the season 3 premiere of Game of Thrones? That’s a broadcast version of Sophie’s Choice, it’s evil! Spread shit out! It’s already too much stuff to watch and DVR on several nights and not a damn thing of interest on a few others. The genre shows already get screwed and cancelled for any little thing so how about we not divide the much needed audience for our shows, okay?
Fuck those foreign web crawlers that ignore my robots.txt file, especially the ones from China and Russia! I don’t need every post indexed by second and third world countries that I don’t get legitimate hits from anyway. I’m tired of blocking you baby dick bastards! Scram!
Fuck one of the local TV stations and their frequent preemption of shows I want to watch for NCAA basketball! It wouldn’t be that bad if it was Big 10 hoops but I still have yet to embrace ACC sports. I miss my teams!
Fuck Detroiters getting all asshurt about Governor Snyder putting Detroit under an Emergency Financial Manager! Detroit’s pockets have been getting violently assraped out in the open by the corrupt politicians it’s citizens keep electing since before I was born. The inmates not only ran the asylum, they ran that bitch into the ground, poured gasoline on it, and set it on fire while screaming, “Fuck yo’ city nigga!” You’d rather see the city bankrupt then have an “outsider” (that’s generally White suburbanites for you non-Detroiters) running things? All this talk about how it’s a land grab and the vultures are circling to pick apart the carcass, well, you’re kind of to blame for that too. At least they will have the decency to squirt some KY Jelly up your ass before fucking you. I say fuck the state of Michigan, let Obama and the Feds take over Detroit!
Fuck daylight saving time! I still haven’t changed the clock in my SUV. Why do we need daylight in the evening for eight months of the year? All the purported benefits given for having it don’t matter during the winter? Get rid of that shit!
Fuck purity rings, purity balls, and all that fucking purity bullshit! It’s fucking creepy and unnatural! Daughters pledge to their fathers and Jesus to remain pure? Why the fuck are daddy and the zombie messiah so concerned about who’s putting that gentleman’s jelly in his little princess’ belly? Call me cynical or whatever but it seems to me that daddy doesn’t want any competition in his baby girl’s heart or her panties. Fuck that! The next bitch I fuck I’m going to make her scream out her daddy’s name right before I nut in her so his perverted ass can’t stand me and knows that I took his pussy away from him and made it mine!
Fuck the little nigglets that live in this complex! Why the fuck does it have to be illegal to discriminate against renting to single mothers with four or five kids? Oh save your indignation I’d discriminate against renting to single mothers with three kids, teenage boys, frequent visitors, large families, etc. What about single fathers you ask? *snickers* They’re smart enough to leave them to be taken raised by one of their many baby mamas. Neighbors! Can’t live with them can’t forcibly sterilize the mothers, wrap the kids in a rock filled sack, and toss them in a river! *sigh*
Fuck Winner’s World robocalling me multiple times a week about playing some bullshit ass bingo! I’ve kept my hood and robe in storage for awhile but if I ever find the motherfucker who does the recording I swear I have a hate crime or two to commit on that assclown!
Fuck everybody that quit blogging for Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, or something else! You never call, you never write. I thought we were better than that. Now you suck shitty, herpes infested dick! Fuck you if you’re thinking about joining those disloyal bloggers emeritus. *spits* You’re fucking dead to me, unless you come back then I’ll think about it!
With that said, fuck your weekend, fuck your green beer, and fuck your pot o’ gold, I ain’t got time for that shit! Gimme a shamrock milkshake! I’m outta here!