Fuck pollen! Clouds of that disgusting bullshit is everywhere leaving a yellow or green coat on pretty much anything standing still for an hour or so! Going to the car wash isn’t really an option because a few hours later you’re out the money paid and you have another coating of fucking pollen for your troubles. Tree cum can go to hell!
Fuck inconsiderate people in my apartment complex! Why in Smurfy blue hell do people insist on double parking and blocking your space instead of parking in one of the half dozen nearby empty parking spaces? I’m not going to ask you to move when I want to enter or leave my space because quite frankly I didn’t ask your ignorant ass to block it. But I’m wrong if I kick some damn dents in the side of your ride, play Jason Vorhees on your tires, or call Lizard Lick Towing to remove you? Wait, Freaky wouldn’t slashing their tires exacerbate the problem? Yes, but sometimes I’m okay with cutting off my nose to spite my face especially if it gives some oblivious dumbass a life lesson.
Fuck parking space invaders! Look when you signed the lease you were told that you get two spaces, dos, deux, TWO, motherfucker, not three, four, or five. Like Shakira’s hips the math don’t lie! If you have two cars and invite a gang of your nigglet hoodrat bumpkin ass relatives over who drive their crappy little beaters than guess what? Those motherfuckers have to park several spaces over and walk to your place or come back another day. Even if my ride isn’t there the space immediately in front of my place should be empty since I’m inevitably going to come home. In other words it’s mine, mine, mine, all mine!
Fuck people who posts quotes on Instagram! It might be different if the quote was actual artwork or something creative but I’m talking about the same emo teenage angst bullshit that people post on Twitter and Facebook. Nope, correction, the same type of glittery bullshit motherfuckers used to post on MySpace! *looks at Tweegram* Stop, please stop and go back to posting duck face, bathroom self photos of you in underoos and tell me what club I can see you at. Oh and thank your daddy for failing you in life too.
Fuck women and their weirdness with food! Eat healthy or not but for the love of Sweet Baby Jebus shut the fuck up talking to me about it! You got fucking issues! How come you can’t just say you had a chicken, salad, and water when I’m stupid enough to ask what you ate? Seems like a simple question to me with a simple answer to me, right? Wrong! I get some drawn out, local news segment description like, “I had a baked, white meat chicken breast with an orange glaze and lemon pepper seasoning, a small shaved fennel, grapefruit, and arugula salad with avocado oil vinaigrette, and cucumber water with a sprig of mint. You can tell me all that info about shit I don’t give a thimble full of fuck about but when I ask about your panties I have to become Dr. Isaac Yankem, D.D.S. and pull teeth to get details? GTFOHWTBS!!! Don’t even get me started about how much I hate it when you want full, exact details of what I ate. What part of sandwich and chips or burger & fries require more details? And since I’m ranting away, why the fuck do women feel the need to take pictures of every goddamn thing they eat and share those pictures with the world? Seriously, I wouldn’t feed some of that shit you post to pigs or goats and they pretty much will eat anything.
Fuck Twitter! How the fuck do you get followers? Do I need to post dick pics or something? The only new followers I get are ebook publishers, deal sites, bots, people who never say anything, or people who tweet so damn much they have multiple accounts because they’re in Twitter jail every day. Just want some new chicks to mutually flirt with and maybe a couple of funny and weird people who don’t retweet everything in creation. I see another Twitter break coming because motherfuckers on there be like Drake…Canada Dry.
Fuck not getting any Girl Scout cookies this year! It’s 2013 you need to start hustling where you’re going to be on social media networks because your local website is hot garbage juice. Also invest in Square or something because you’re leaving money on the table if you don’t take plastic. You might want to try setting up shop somewhere other than CVS. You know what? Just email me your pager number and you can be my
crack cookie dealer. If you’re legal or a den mom I might be willing to get some kneepads and barter for a case of cookies. Holla!
Fuck chicks asking and assuming about other chicks when I’m trying to cake with them! If you don’t have papers on me or you’re not trying to get them then what the fuck does it matter? Just shut the fuck up, enjoy the cake session, and don’t worry about if there is or isn’t a Team Freaky. I don’t see any rings on my fingers so last time I checked I don’t have anyone to answer to. Be on your shit and you won’t have to worry about the others.
Fuck Xxtra Flamin’ Hot Cheetos not being available within 50 miles of me! Why is Lays playing with my feelings like that? Knowing about it for at least a year and still not being able to eat it is cruel! It’s like some hot chick confessing she wants you to run up in her balls deep and paint her insides but she lives five states away. C’mon I need you to stock them in some local stores a.s.a.p.!
Fuck Candy Crush Saga! I haven’t really wasted my time with any Facebook games for awhile (outside of the occasional round of Family Feud or Deal or No Deal). So I get bored and finally decide to try Candy Crush Saga and now I’m addicted to another game. Damn you Android and Facebook! I will say at least on the mobile (Android version) of the game that some of those power ups are straight up bullshit. You need a paid version because five power ups aren’t enough and I can’t be bothered to beg people on FB for an extra life. Fuck the lone asshole Facebook “friend” who can’t be bothered to click a fucking button so I can advance! Weak, hating ass motherfuckers!
Fuck very special children’s editions of game shows! Fuck your kids! Listening to kids talk, read, or just being alive on camera is ear grating painful! If I want to watch kids on game shows I’d watch Hub, Nick, Disney, or a channel for fucking kids! Hell, if I wanted to see kids in a game show I’d rent a van and fill it with puppies and candy. *Jigsaw voice* Let’s play a game. The only children’s show I want to see is a real life version of Battle Royale. Until then shouldn’t those little snot nose bastards be in school making their teachers reevaluate the time and money spent on their degrees and career choices?
Fuck my sinuses! I find the air dry and stuffy if I close my window making breathing uncomfortable. Of course, if I open the window then I’m assaulted by pollen and other allergens that fucks with my sinuses as well, though I don’t have to suffer from dried out sinuses. It’s not really warm enough to shut the windows and blast the a/c which is what I’d prefer. I hate to say it but I’m going to need that icky heat to come on back so I can get some relief.
Fuck people who leave voicemail when a text message would suffice!
Fuck people who wear hipster glasses! If there is one thing that makes me want to instantly punch a motherfucker in the throat it’s these assholes who won’t let those funky, clunky glasses die the true death. Back in the day kids were teased for wearing those. Because they are big, clunky and ugly as fuck! Nobody wore them because they wanted to. You wore them because your parents were poor and broke and you had Mr. Magoo’s eyesight. Now motherfuckers choose to wear what looks like those cheap ass 3D glasses because it’s a cool. Worse yet the little shitheads don’t even have a prescription because they don’t fucking need glasses! Fuck, I wish your parents left you in a bloody plastic bag at a back alley abortion clinic!
Fuck people who are always screaming “freedom of speech” until you say something they don’t like! Case in point, the Pentagon is considering a ban on proselytizing in the armed forces. People who are a bit overaggressive in sharing their faith could potentially be court martialed . What the first amendment types through convenience or downright ignorance never seem to understand is that with freedom of speech we also have the freedom to not be subjected to whatever it is you have to say, even if it’s the word of your god. Now people are getting butthurt and their period panties twisted because it’s an attack on their religion. Seems to me you’d be offended if Muslims and Atheists tried to convert you so here’s a seat, have one, and quit your bitching you persecution complex having assclowns! Cry to Jesus about that bullshit and spare me unless you’re trying to get your throat anointed with some of my Milk of Dicknesia!
Fuck Facebook’s sponsored posts! I don’t give pink unicorn fuck if one of my friend’s like product X. Put that shit on her wall, since she appreciates it, and quit cluttering up my feed with advertisements! While I’m on the subject, just because I’m single doesn’t mean I want to see every dating site known to man show up in my feed either. When I say I’m not interested in something forcing it on me won’t suddenly or eventually make me change my mind. In fact, I’ll choose not to even consider their service or product out of spite because you’re being such a dick about it!
Fuck naming winter storms and everything other than E.L.E. (extinction level events) and hurricanes! Why the fuck do storms have such weak bitch made foreign names anyway?! Oh lawd, baby Jesus save us it’s ice storm Paco. Really? Fuck Paco and the Tijuana donkey show mule he rode in on!
Fuck whatever asshat came up with Rick rolling! What do you know about Rick Astley? Rick Astley should’ve had more success in the states! Wish it wasn’t such a bitch to find and get his more recent stuff because I’d rather listen to any of his stuff then most of the garbage on the radio now.
Fuck this chair! It has absolutely no kind of lumbar support whatsoever. Whoever made this is either a sadist or doesn’t use their own product. I miss my last computer chair.
Fuck people who insist on walking in the street when sidewalks are nearby and readily available! That’s like me driving up on the sidewalk when there’s a four lane road just waiting for me. I don’t know if you’re just arrogant or oblivious but people like you make me wish I really did get points for running down bystanders like we used to joke about in driver’s ed.
Fuck you very much! I’m out!