Black snake scream like a little bitch

So about a week ago I gathered up some boxes that had been broken down and just sitting and decided it was finally time to get them out of the way and recycle them.  I open the front door and see that a copy of the lease that I signed the day before was propped up against the front door.  I was still standing inside and was bending over the threshold to pick up the lease and I caught something in my vision’s periphery.  Still didn’t occur to me what it was for about a second then it hit me and I reacted…with the loudest shrillest girl scream you ever heard.  Sike!  I did managed to do a leaping door slam before slipping on my piss stained floor.  Ok, that last part didn’t happen either.  I swear that I slammed that door so fast that I should be getting a call from Guinness to confirm my new world record for leaping door slams.

Look closely in the above picture.  Near the center and you will see the culprit.  When I opened the door it was about eight – 10 inches away from my front door.  It definitely saw me well before I saw it.  I took a second to collect myself and picked up all the cardboard stuff I was taking to the recycling bin.   I made a lot of noise opening the door to alert it that I was coming.  I snatched the lease and threw it on the stairs and cautiously looked around before committing to go outside and make the walk to my SUV.  No snake, so far so good.  I’m about halfway up the walkway to my truck when I turn around and had to compose myself yet again.  The snake was in one of the bushes looking dead at me flicking it’s tongue.

Since I’ve moved here I’ve seen my share of woodland creatures.  There’s a wooded area behind my place and behind that is a river.  I’ve had several lizards (well I think they’re proper names are slinks) inside my place.  They were escorted out with help of a broom.  Honestly, if I had on shoes at the time I probably would’ve stomped them into a bloody paste on the living room carpet.  I’ve seen frogs and last year I’ve even saw a snake before slithering across the street, far on the other side of the complex.  Considering my proximity to the water, I figured it was only a matter of time before I saw a snake closer to home.  June 5th was that day.

I’m standing there trying to decide what to do.  Part of me is saying put the stuff in your truck, do what you were going to do and live and let live.  The Detroit in me was getting hyped and telling me that I needed to handle it.  It’s head and maybe another two inches of it’s body was outside of the bush looking at me.  I felt like I was in that episode of The Boondocks where they’re talking about “nigga moments”.  We’re staring each other down. We went back and forth in our little stare down waiting for the other to get froggy and jump.

Snake:  Wha’cha gone do nigga?!

Me:  Wha’cha gone do nigga?!

Snake: Knuck if you buck nigga! Eastsiiiiide!

Me: Fuck yo’ hood nigga! Tell your bitch I got some real black snake for her! You better not be here when I get back either!

I was considering hitting it on the head and hoping I’d stun it and that it would fall out of it’s perch allowing me to stomp it. Instead I decided to throw out my cardboard but not before snapping a picture of it with my phone. I used the zoom on my phone but I was about five feet away from it. I probably could’ve gotten closer but until I knew what kind of snake it was sanity told me to leave it alone until I googled it. After doing some research I think it was a black rat snake. I’m not 100% sure but I feel reasonably comfortable that it more likely was one then it wasn’t. It’s not venomous so I left it alone and called management. I’ll be damned if there isn’t a repellent for damn near everything. Maintenance came over coaxed it out of the bush and put down some “Snake Away”. That’s what it was called. Haven’t seen it since. Then again we got hit by heavy rains in Tropical Storm Andrea so it might just be chilling in the cut somewhere waiting for some unsuspecting big booty chick to walk by so it can bite her on the ass. I decided to call it Snivy. As long as it stays outside and away from my truck then we can co-exist but if it comes inside then Snivy must die.

Heard there was a bear running around my side of town. Wonder if when I’ll see that?

Author: Freaky Deaky I'm a horny, opinionated, smart-ass, antisocial, introverted, misanthropic, agnostic, nonconformist, free thinking, hedonistic, highly intelligent, and arrogant black man with a dirty mind.