Blue

Feeling Blue
So I’ve been in my new city for a little over a year now.  It’s funny because there’s a large part of me that still doesn’t see it as home.  It’s not necessarily bad it’s just… different.  I’ve been driving around without my GPS a little more so I’m becoming more familiar with certain areas.  I still couldn’t tell you the directions most major streets run, the names of most neighborhoods or even where they are if my life depended on them.  I still sometimes catch myself typing in my old address when I’m filling out forms online.  It’s not a bad place but it doesn’t really feel like home for me either.  Though to be honest Detroit wasn’t really feeling like home for me either.  It’s familiar and there’s a sense of safeness and comfortableness in that familiarity but I felt estranged there as well.  I knew more people there.  I had more friends, technically, but they weren’t really there for me so I was still pretty much alone.  They’ve felt more like long distance phone friends and funeral friends for years even though they were local, so moving really wasn’t that tough of a decision for me.  Sometimes, I wish I moved to a different city or state then where I am now.  I’d probably feel the same way though so I guess it’s a moot point because I feel like a nomad wherever I go anyway.

Outside of people I already know or have met prior to moving here I have still yet to make any friends here.  Most of the people I’ve come across seem nice enough but there really hasn’t been much interaction outside of polite pleasantries and superficial small talk.  I’m not the least bit outgoing or extroverted so putting myself out there and getting into situations where I can meet and interact with more people for longer periods of time just hasn’t happen.  I doubt it’s going to happen any time soon either.  The whole process of meeting people has always made me feel some kind of way.  That way would be negative.  The problem is that meeting people, new people, isn’t something that I consider enjoyable.  It’s stressful and awkward to me, like looking for a new car.  People go to the dealership and kick the tires, look under the hood, and all that stuff but instead of it being a sleek sexy convertible or rugged SUV the thing being kicked, prodded, and judged is you.  It fills me with dread, anxiety, and frustration to the point of feeling physically ill.  I definitely have some type of social anxiety, if it’s a full fledged disorder or not I don’t know but meeting people and opening up is painful in most cases and true to the hedonist’s credo I prefer to maximize personal pleasure and minimize personal pain.

I’ve tried browsing MeetUp but there are so many choices, too many choices if we’re being honest.  Even with all those choices I still haven’t really found anything that has piqued my interest and seems like the right fit for me.  I think I may need to elaborate on my interests a bit because they have been suggesting some shit that I just can’t get down with.  For instance, I love pro-wrestling and have so for a couple of decades now.  Even when I get tired of the same old same old I still love it to the point that I have a standing Monday night engagement to watch it since I’ve had cable. The only time I’d even consider missing it is for a Monday night Lions’ game or during March Madness if Michigan or Michigan State are in the finals.  Anyway, I get an email from them about a wrestling group.  I’m thinking cool until I read the description.  It’s for gay dudes trying to get some bumping & grinding on during the process.  *buzzer*  Pass!  I’m good though.  (-_-)

So, I was thinking about shutting down my dating profile.  I usually delete things online without a second thought or first thought for that matter.  I stepped away from it for awhile and just logged on once out of boredom.  I got hit up by four chicks.  Two of them were okay looks-wise, one could definitely get an emergency liquid Freaky deposit, and the other one well all pussy looks the same with the lights off.  Don’t judge me!   Most of them  wanted to progress up the communication ladder a bit too quickly for me.  I think I finally have to accept the fact that finding a chick over 30 without at least three kids ain’t gonna happen.  Guess I need to start congregating outside of graduation ceremonies and get them fresh out of high school chicks if I want someone without a bunch of fuck trophies and daddy issues.  

I went to the doctor recently, it was mostly positive news and the bad was the typical stuff I think the doctor’s are programmed to say.  If you want to live into your 90s do this, this, and that.  I told him I had no desire or plans to live that long and he seemed genuinely incredulous about it.  I honestly don’t see what all the hype is about living long.  I can count the people I’m close to on one hand.  While it’s theoretically possible they could all outlive me and I hope that is the case, chances are it won’t be.  So I have to look forward to getting old, feeble, sickly, alone AND finally dying?  No wife, no kids, and nothing to live for.  Fuck that!  I say 15 – 21 years tops and I’m good and that’s assuming a couple of those people I feel some type of connection to now are alive and we’re still in each other’s good graces by then.  Knowing me the odds are no better than 50/50.  Not trying to be one of those hairless, toothless, living corpses celebrating their 100th+ birthday.  If that’s what you strive for then more power to you but I’m not trying to be about that life.  

 I just feel…restless, depressed, bored, and generally unfulfilled.  I’m not sure how or when I’m going to get out of this funk but I hope need it to be soon.

Author: Freaky Deaky I'm a horny, opinionated, smart-ass, antisocial, introverted, misanthropic, agnostic, nonconformist, free thinking, hedonistic, highly intelligent, and arrogant black man with a dirty mind.