A-Maze-ing

***Note:  Please forgive the quality of the pics.  I took them on my cell phone, at night, and a good distance away with only a digital zoom.***  

Saturday evening I went to my third concert ever, it was to see Maze featuring Frankie Beverly.  What can I say, I like music sometimes but I’m not really a music person generally.  By that I guess I’m trying to say is that I don’t really need it in my life.  Given a choice between TV, movies, or music, music is most likely taking the L.  My previous concerts were Luthor Vandross, r.i.p., and Maroon 5.  Even though I’m not a music guy, there are actually a few people I’d really love to see perform and some that I wouldn’t mind.  I think my short list would be Prince, Barenaked Ladies, N.W.A., George Michael, Rick Astley, Chicago, Earth, Wind, & Fire, Mariah Carey, and Toni Braxton.  Might even be convinced to give Justin Timberlake a try, maybe.

It was the first part of an early birthday present for me from Val.  There’s also rumors that Mr. Beverly is possibly losing his voice so there might not be too many more opportunities to see him perform.  It was a group thing as my mom and her mom also went.  It was our mom’s first time meeting each other.  We pretty much arrived as the gates were opening so there wasn’t that long of a wait.  There was a delay when they decided to have several checkpoints.  The first was to check the chairs and the second was to inspect bags.  We had lawn seats like many people so they tip the bag to make sure you’re not smuggling in any contraband.  About two or three groups in front of us, a guy has his bag inspected and out drops too little hotel bar sized bottles of liquor.  While they’re getting confiscated I’m thinking of ways he could’ve gotten it in without getting caught.  Taping them to the chair probably would’ve been the way to go just off the top of my head.  The purse search was pointless.  They didn’t even open my mom’s person and we could’ve smuggled a turducken in there.  Not that I would eat that shit but I could.

We go in and got a pretty good spot.  I could’ve thrown a bottle at the sound engineer if I were so inclined.  Val, her mom, and my mom are sitting next to each other and I’m sitting behind Val.  I could’ve and probably should’ve sat next to them but the spot I claimed was perfect in my opinion and that’s where I wanted to be.  One thing I like about lawn seating is that you get more room to stretch out without feeling packed like a sardine.  Well, that’s the way it should be.  Can someone explain why people decided to set up chairs on both sides of me?  I mean they were so close I could touch either one of them with little effort?  I understand I don’t get the whole section of lawn to myself but damn can you give me 18 inches on all sides?  I just don’t understand people like that.  It’s like when you park at the back of lot clear of everyone and then two assfucks just decide to park on either side of you?  Why?!  All this fucking space and your dumbass wants to be under me?  Damn, I like to save that privilege for chicks who get my dick wet first and even then, they’ll get stiff armed when it’s hot or I’m sleepy.

A chick decides to plop her seat down right next to me and gets into an argument with another group of ladies who plopped their seats next to Val. The chick next to me wants to hold some space for her friends who are still in line.  They asked her if she paid for the lawn.  We’re half expecting them to start trading blows but after a few snippy comments it pretty much ends without drama.  A few minutes later some dude and his date plop their seats down to the right of me.  Whoa now!  That’s a man code violation!  Where’s my flag?  The concert wasn’t going to start for at least another 90 minutes and there were plenty of spaces.  You don’t  stand next to another dude at the urinal when there are urinals available further away.  You also don’t plop your ass down next to another dude when there are many, many available spaces elsewhere.  At the very least you could’ve had your bitch sit next to me instead of your I need back support because I can’t carry a fucking note ass!  Get away from me!  Maybe this personal space violation is my curse for being a sexy, fuzzy cuddle bear.

The opening act was a comedienne.  If you’ve read me long enough then you know that it’s my belief that Robert Townsend is the least funny comedian I’ve ever been subjected to.  Well, it doesn’t happen very often so mark your calendars.  I was WRONG.  Robert Townsend is no longer the least funny comedian I’ve ever had the misfortune of hearing.  That honor goes to Mocha.  I think she was on for like 45 minutes and I didn’t laugh once.  Ok, I laughed twice, once because Val who is anti Candy Crush Saga just to be a contrarian joked that she was considering downloading it just so she could have something to take her mind off of the routine.  The second time was because I spun off one of her “jokes” in my head to something that actually amused me.  Should’ve thrown a bottle of water at the sound engineer and hope the soundboard exploded. It felt like she was on stage for at least twice as long as her act.  Towards the end a plane was flying overhead and I briefly wished it would turn around and dive into the stage.  Five more minutes and I would’ve accepted Jesus as my personal savior to make her stop.  Fortunately, it didn’t come to that.  Whew!

The concert was cool though honestly, I think I might have known two songs well enough to follow along.  My perfect view kept getting obstructed by some old player in a Kangol hat (confession:  I’ve always wanted a Kangol) and some chick with a funny shaped head, big ears and heavy earrings.  I’m not the most familiar with their music but it seemed to me like Frankie avoided holding some notes and even attempting some of the higher ones.  His voice did sound a little hoarse at times but all in all I enjoyed myself.  Especially watching some of the eye candy dancing.  There’s something about a woman in some tight red pants shaking her ass and swaying from side to side.  Kind of disappointed I lost track of one lady in some painted on leggings. 

Oh, I also finally got my hands on some Xxtra Flamin’ Hot Crunchy Cheetos.  They’re not available anywhere remotely close to here so Val ordered me a few bags.  They’ll probably be gone by the time my birthday actually rolls around.

Author: Freaky Deaky I'm a horny, opinionated, smart-ass, antisocial, introverted, misanthropic, agnostic, nonconformist, free thinking, hedonistic, highly intelligent, and arrogant black man with a dirty mind.