Fuck gullible people on Facebook posting scams! For the love of Sweet Baby Jebus Walmart isn’t giving out a $250 gift card, Nike isn’t giving out free shoes, and Microsoft isn’t cashing you out because you shared anything! Delete that shit, run your antivirus/malware scanner, change your password, and count to five before you click on that status, link, or whatever scammy bullshit you’re going to inflict on me.
Fuck Lexmark printers! Oh they’re cool when they work but once that first minor problem pops up you’re going to have nothing but issues with that printer until it dies on you suddenly and at the most inconvenient time! Bullshit ass printers! I wish I knew somebody that works there so I can just throw this big ass paperweight right in his or her face!
Fuck these ninja ass mosquitoes! I don’t see them, I don’t hear them, and the worst thing is I don’t even feel the nasty sons of bitches…until I’m itching like a whorish bitch with fleas later that night!
Fuck needing help to unlock a new episode in a game and instead of helping you unlock the new level they send you extra moves, lives, and everything but what I fucking asked for! Why the fuck do I need extra moves for a level I already beat?! Same damn people will blow up your notifications begging for help unlocking the next episode conveniently forget how much of an assclown dickhead they were being when the shoes were reversed!
Fuck those wack ass Facebook comments that solely consists of people tagging their friends! Comments are for people who have something add or are trying to contribute to the conversation, fuck I care about you tagging a bunch of other no name ass motherfuckers for?!
Fuck this season of The Boondocks! Aaron McGruder left and they fell the fuck off. I used to laugh until I cried watching that show and it had a message and some heart but now it’s like they hired freelancers from B.E.T. to avenge the episode that trashed them! Well, either that or Robert Townsend or those idiots from Loiter Squad are writing. Neither could make me laugh if I was hopped up on laughing gas in a tickle factory.
Fuck Internet hoes on Instagram posting their opinions, philosophies, or advice! Look hoe I followed you to see pics of your titties and your ass! Outside of said titties and ass you are not even human to me. Keep posting that camel toe and thank your daddy for not being in your life. Fuck what you feel about any and everything!
Fuck every last bitch on every last social network that acted like they wrote a fucking thesis on the literary works and life of Dr. Maya Angelou after her death! Never heard you pseudo-intellectual brotherfuckers (like that) mention anything she’s done before outside of Phenomenal Woman, which became the lonely anthem for sorry, crunchy granola, nappy haired, black bitches all over the Internet before she died but everybody and their greasy granny laying claims to her like they were drinking buddies back in the day. Choke on the deep fried donkey dick and die!
Fuck contests that require you to make a video to enter! You want all the information I have to fill out in the entry form plus you want me to see my face and hear my voice in some lame ass video lying about how much I want to change the world for the better by using your product? Whoever is in charge of your marketing department is cordially invited to suck my dick long and hard until their uvula is coated with my damn baby juice!
Fuck pet rescues setting up their adoption fairs smack dab by the entrance! Really, so now I got to wrestle with my dog entering and exiting the store because she wants to bark at your dogs or they want to bark at her? Would it really hurt you to go off to the side a little? It’s called courtesy motherfuckers, try it!
Fuck that person ahead of you in line that always has one more question! I hate you! I hated you in school when you and your never-ending questions prevented us from being dismissed early. I hated you when the plan was to get one thing and to be in and out. You remind of those annoying ass snot noses that always ask why to any answer you give them. Infer, conjecture, research, or just remain fucking ignorant but shut your fucking mouth pussy and move the fuck on already!
Fuck everybody who takes those dumb ass mirror image selfies! (Got this one from my BW.) They lack any sort of artistry and most of them look like something out of a low rent rap video or Internet horror movie. Please stop it! I blame those damn graduation photos people get looking at themselves trying to appear contemplative. I’ve seen thimbles deeper than damn near everyone who has ever posted one of those crappy ass pictures!
Fuck Lonely Boy showing up not once, not twice but three fucking days in a row! First day he asks if he can pet my dog and the next day he asks if he can walk her. Look I’m sorry your grandmother didn’t do the right thing and swallowed your mom or used a wire hanger but I am not the kiddie hangout and my dog is not the neighborhood pet to play with when you want. It’s not my job to entertain you and your mom isn’t coming out of any throat, pussy, or ass so you need to get the fuck on before I post my neighborhood up on Craigslist for the pedophiles to come pick your ass up. How the fuck my dog get a stalker before me?! That’s some bullshit!
Fuck Justin Bieber, whoever is releasing this racist shit all late as hell, and those uncle Tom, field niggers tripping over themselves to defend him! Personally I think he and Chris Brown need to be in gen pop at someone’s prison. I think a few years of beatings, ass rapes, and forced face fucking will humble them, calm them the fuck down, and possibly make them into better people. Hit a high note on deez nuts Justin Beaver! Yeah, I said Beaver damn it! Girly looking cockgobbling fuckboy bitch!
Fuck people on Instagram trying to thirst shame people by posting pictures of someone liking a bunch of their photos! I don’t get it because we both know you’d be snotting up with your mascara running looking like a depressed clown if one of your hoeish thirst trap pics didn’t get any likes. How are you going t0 mock the thirst when it’s your damn bread and butter?
Fuck my dog waking me up every morning barking at the Invisible Man! Unless he’s fucking with my truck or kicking in the front door I’m going to need her to kindly drink a bowl of shut the fuck up!
Fuck the World Cup! Try and try as I might I just can’t seem to give a fuck about it. Now maybe if it were women who dressed like beach volleyball players I could lotion up and get into it but since it isn’t I won’t.
Fuck the Heartbleed security bug! Why am I just now receiving notices from some sites when it’s existence has been mainstream news for months? So not only are you not on point with security for your site but you’re slow as hell in fixing flaws too.
Fuck not hearing from people in ages and all of sudden they “find” your number and want to touch base when my show is on! Look you cool and all but I’m going to tell you right off the bat that when The Walking Dead, True Blood, Game of Thrones or my wrestling is on the best you can hope for is that you won’t get my undivided attention. This is especially true if you don’t follow the shows mentioned. Worst case scenario is you’ll annoy the fuck out of me talking about shit I don’t give a fuck about and taking away my concentration and enjoyment of the show I’m trying to watch. So in closing Sunday nights at 9 pm and Monday nights at 8 aren’t the best times to chat with me unless you happen to be a fan, I’m not talking casual or I’ve heard about it and want you to tell me everything under the sun about said show. No sir or ma’am! You better hit up Wikipedia and bring yourself up to date!
Fuck still not being able to find that Malaysian airplane! We can find terrorist holed up in some shithole of a cave, we can find those kidnapped girls in Africa, hell we can find ice crystals on another planet but that airplane is some combination of magic and futuristic technology!