Fuck this sorry ass winter storm that has had a lot of the area closed for three days! They explained the science and hyped that we would get between 3 and 5 inches of snow and up to a half inch of ice Monday night into Tuesday morning. What do we get? Basically a coating of snow, sleet, and freezing rain. I’m so sick to fucking death of rain! It’ll rain just to piss me off any chance Mother Nature gets except when that rain would produce a decent amount of snow! I should’ve moved to Atlanta, Tampa, or Nashville. Fuck this bullshit ass North Carolina weather!
Fuck the sorry ass road crews here! Look I understand you don’t budget a lot of money or have lots of equipment for snow since we don’t normally get a lot, however, in the short time that I’ve been here ice has been a problem and we get it often enough that you should have some type of plan for it. There’s no reason schools and some business should still be shut down or on limited schedules four days after the weather event because parking lots and lots of side streets are doubling as skating rinks because they’re so iced over. Figure something out so these little fuck trophy bastards can annoy the teachers that are barely paid to deal with them.
Fuck wanting to read comments on Facebook to get some insight, opinions, or just plain entertainment only to find comment after comment of dickwads tagging their family and friends! No comments, no funny pictures just page after page of names of people I don’t know or give a fuck about. Fuck you lazy, non-contributing assholes for boring me!
Fuck the local CBS station for constantly pre-empting shows for NC State, Duke, and UNC games! NC State, Duke, and UNC can all get the itis from eating an extra large bag of cinnamon covered baby dicks! I don’t fuck with it unless it’s Michigan, Michigan State, or Ohio State! Fuck this same station for airing the Michigan vs Ohio State game on the .2 channel to cover a funeral of a former UNC basketball coach! Put the funeral and the games on the .2 channel and let people watch their shows when scheduled!
Fuck DirecTV and their rude ass foreign customer service reps! Nigga you know damn well your mama named you Habib or Sanjay and not Sam! Lying ass son of a bitch! Then you got the nerve to be rushing someone and get snippy. Don’t make me find your small, funky ass (cause I know your nasty ass doesn’t use soap or deodorant) call center because I will and I’ll eat the biggest, juiciest double cheeseburger in your face while playing some cow slaughterhouse videos for your bovine loving ass! And while I’m at it fuck you for not carrying the alternate local digital channels! I don’t want to buy a digital antenna, change the input source, and go through the set up just to watch an occasional show or game.
Fuck CVS for calling me multiple times over the weekend reminding me that I have prescriptions due to be renewed! The first time I didn’t call you back should’ve been a clue but I understand some people don’t get subtlety in certain situations but by the second, third, or fourth time? Really? We’re not friends, and I don’t owe you any money so unless you’re trying to give me some money or want me to deposit some of this dick spit in you then there is no need to ever call me that often in a season let alone a month, week, or weekend! It ain’t that serious!
Fuck that one guy in our The Walking Dead discussion group that always goes off topic and into spoilers! People have asked you several times to give spoilers from the comic books but apparently you’re slow, stupid, or really geeked because you think you’re posting breaking news. Dude, I know the spoilers to and at least respect the other people in the chat enough not to spoil things they don’t want to know in advance. You sir need to have a seat…in a chair with razor blade encrusted dildo, bitch ass nigga!
Fuck the asshole who keeps littering in front of my place! When I find you I’m going to litter your ass with my foot!
Fuck Kanye West electing himself the overlord of all awards! I dare you to run up on stage when another rapper or one of those big ass corn fed country artists win the award you think Beyonce deserves. You won’t thought because they will stomp the brakes off of your funny looking shoes and weird clothes wearing ass. I don’t even understand what all the hype is about Beyonce. Seriously, why are you on her clit so hard when she didn’t even show up to your wedding and won’t give the “love of your life” the time of day?
Fuck K-mart sending me eleventy-seven emails a week! I can’t unsubscribe to them or I get booted from their rewards program. At this point I’m ready to glue broken glass to both of my middle fingers and invite those bastards to have a seat!
Fuck people who make up their own parking spaces! Fuck the law, sight lines, common sense! Saw a few old people yesterday who just decided to create their own parking spaces. Why is there never a parking enforcement agent when you need one? I’d love to see the look on Paw-Paw and Mee-Ma’s faces when they get a ticket for being dumbasses.
Fuck all the menus, fliers, and door hangers businesses and institutions leave on or in front of my door! No I’m not interested in eating local strays at your hole in the wall Asian restaurant, joining your church with the long ass name, or anything else you’re trying to sell me
Fuck Spider-Man getting yet another reboot! I’m glad you can finally appear in the Marvel Cinema Universe proper but why the fuck do we have to start over again with Peter Parker in high school? Oh my fuck, if you want a teen Spider-Man than use Miles Morales and keep Peter grown! Is common sense and originality that short in supply in Hollywood? Well they are rebooting Shaft so I guess so. Who the fuck is clamoring for more adventures of Shaft? I mean outside of Shaft. No.damn.body!
Fuck cable scheduling! Why is it always either nothing on to watch or everything you want to watch is on at the same time!
Fuck the ridiculous comments some religious people leave on posts! May the ever unflinching right hand of the sweet baby Jesus take the wheel to deliver that sweet puppy to safety while turning my tears into water to give sustenance to the thirsty people in dessert nations. Are you fucking serious?! No, I’m serious! I can’t tell if these people really mean those batshit crazy comments or if they’re trolling us. Who the fuck talks like that?! You all better be lucky I’m not Jesus.
You: Oh, Jesus, please take the wheel…
Fuck me for wanting that Taylor Swift 1984 Deluxe CD! I’m not going to pay $17 for it though so fuck me again for being a cheap ass bastard and fuck whoever decided to charge that much for it! That’s why niggas don’t buy music anymore. If I don’t find it for under $10 then I might have to hit “alternate” forms of distribution to get it. That little White girl got some catchy ass music!
Fuck having to get a girlfriend before I can have a mistress! I guess I could always be the side dick but what does one call a male mistress anyway?
Fuck parents who get their panties in a twist when people don’t want to be around their unvaccinated kids! It’s perfectly within your rights to not get them vaccinated because you fear the shots will turn them into window licking retards or because you think your imaginary deity in the clouds will get mad at you for looking out for your kids and others and do spiteful shit to them for not trusting in His love and power. Okay if you’re not vaccinating your kid because of the latter then I hope the measles they get render your pet coon goofy ass sterile. Don’t want your kids getting the shots fine, homeschool the litttle weirdos! Keep them off of public transportation, social gathering places, and most importantly keep those killer cooties carrying motherfuckers the hell away from me you simple ass fuckclowns! Suck my dick until you get to the vanilla shake! On second thought never mind who knows what antibiotic resistant germs your nasty ass might have in your mouth!
Fuck car note payments! I suck at geometry but I’m good at basic math and algebra so please explain why my final payment is a little more than what I expected? I just wish I wasn’t paying you electronically so I could attach a picture of my dick to the check with the caption, “Suck it long & hard!”
Fuck wanting to move but not being able to do it this year! The people here are starting to annoy me and this place was only supposed to be a short term solution. I definitely want to find a house with a fenced in yard to rent next year.