Shut the fuck and be happy!

Last week I stopped by the dealership to pick up my plates. You haven’t seen shock until you’ve seen my face looking at how much the state of NC wanted for registration and tags. Half of me wanted to curl up in the fetal position and cry uncontrollably while the other half wanted to slap the shit out of someone and his/her mama.  Well, anyway, OnStar had been pestering me to set up an account for my free trial and I guess they called the dealership since I was taking my own sweet time.  While picking up my license plate we decided to set up a profile and get OnStar out of the way.

OnStar:  Well, hello Freaky Deaky!  How are you liking your new 2016 Buick Enclave?

Me:  I like it.

OnStar:  Well, you don’t sound very excited.

*record scratching*  Whoa hold up a fucking minute!  I’m sorry have met?  Fact:  I don’t tend to remember people’s names more than a couple of minutes after first hearing it because well, I figure I’ll never see or speak to you again so really, what’s the purpose?  With that being said I’m pretty sure we’ve never met and I’m positive we ain’t friends.  So who the fuck are you?!  You don’t know me!  Hell, people who know me well aren’t always sure about my emotional state but you Mr. Customer Service Rep for OnStar, having spoken to me for all of 30 seconds, are now familiar enough to know and tell me how I feel by the tone of my voice and my cadence?  Really?! I’m sorry if I knew I was speaking to the legendary voice whisperer I would’ve loved up on some puppies and babies while talking to you.

It’s not the first time that has happened either. There was the time I got a new cell phone and the dude that served me said I didn’t look happy enough. Just because I don’t do cartwheels and scream like some obnoxious sorority girl means I’m not happy, excited, or even thankful?  Do you know what I did when they sent me the customer satisfaction survey a couple of days later?  I shitted all over him and rated him poorly in all areas. Fuck you! If being rated highly was as important as he kept pleading with me it was then he should’ve in the immortal words of The Rock, “Know his role and shut his mouth.” 

Before that there was the time I walked into a local fast food joint and saw a woman I liked but lost contact with behind the counter. We said hi, hugged, and exchanged numbers. When I called her later she mentioned that her coworker said I didn’t seem happy to see her. What the fuck?! Was I supposed to hop over the counter, leap into her arms, and snot up like some sappy little bitch? Sorry that has never been and will never be me. Happy isn’t my theme song. Generally, I lean more towards the stoic side of the expression spectrum. Not always but generally. It takes me a long time to open up and warm up to new people. Even if I know you and like you, if we’ve lost contact for whatever reason and reunite it’s going to take me a minute to reset and warm up to you again. Escalating things like going from chatting on a blog to texting or from texting to talking on the phone or from talking on the phone to hanging out in person requires me to reset and open up again because they are completely different things to me.

Even more recently, like two days ago, Val asked me if I was excited about going to an event. I told her I was.  She said she couldn’t tell. Why would I lie? She’s been around me long enough to know I’m not an excitable, demonstrative person.  I honestly don’t think most people are important enough to lie to about how I’m feeling and most of those who are important enough can usually tell when something isn’t quite right with me. I mean if I were going to get my balls chopped off no one would question how I felt if I said I wasn’t looking forward to it regardless of how I sounded, acted, or looked but let me say I’m happy or excited about something without acting like a goddamn clown and people always have something to say.

You can think or believe whatever you want about me but it doesn’t give you the right to dictate how I react to anything. Good, bad, indifferent, overt, covert, or otherwise, my reactions are mine! You don’t get to judge them or compare them to your expectations or based on your norms. Without knowing my personality or what I’ve been through you may never know or understand why I am the way I am or do the things that I do. The fact that strangers would even think themselves familiar enough with me to speak on it, I find insulting and disrespectful.

Me: I’m not a very demonstrative person, unless I’m angry (*thinking* or horny but you’re a dude so don’t even worry about it).

OnStar:  Well, I most certainly don’t want to get you angry.

Me:  *thinking* Too late asshole!

Author: Freaky Deaky I'm a horny, opinionated, smart-ass, antisocial, introverted, misanthropic, agnostic, nonconformist, free thinking, hedonistic, highly intelligent, and arrogant black man with a dirty mind.