Turkey sandwich with the Easter Bunny

I’ve been home for about a day and a half. I took my mother to Michigan for Easter for a little over a week. Next time I’m going to recommend that she book a plane ticket a lot earlier so I don’t have to make that drive again. It’s going to be awhile before I even think about driving any significant distance. I like to travel but I don’t really like travelling. Chivalry be damned, one thing I’ve always hated about travelling with women is their need to pack (well over pack) so many things. Seriously, we’re only going to be gone a week why do you need all this shit? You can’t even carry all of that shit which means I’m the one stuck lugging all that shit inside while you claim being tired. Tired? I’m sore, mentally, and physically exhausted and I’ve been driving for 11 hours! Help me with these damn bags or they’re staying in the truck!

I knew from the beginning this trip was going to be a mess because we took Cinnamon along. It was pretty much that or have her boarded. I don’t know what’s up with her but her separation anxiety seems to get worse when she doesn’t have access to either me or my mom. I took her to the groomer’s the day before leaving for Michigan. Cinnamon loves meeting people but as soon as I started heading for the door she acted a fool. I knew having her boarded wasn’t going to be a good idea. Fortunately, she doesn’t get carsick but she was anxious to get out of Coco Nina every chance she could and not get back in. I made it a point to stop every few hours so we everyone could get out, stretch their legs, and use the bathroom as needed. Cinnamon was still extra anxious though and made me regret bringing her and going on the trip in general.

The police were out trying to make their end of the month ticket quotas. Actually North Carolina was being extra with giving people tickets, warning that they’d even get you for going a mile over the speed limit. You really need the money since people are about to boycott the shit out of NC until you repeal that transgender bathroom bill, huh? It’s a big deal because they usually leave you alone unless you’re driving outrageously fast compared to the flow of traffic. Now they are being petty. So much so that people were complaining about it and the police had to make a statement saying they weren’t going to target you anymore than they normally do for slight speeding. You really couldn’t tell that was true by the way they were swarming on motorists before you got to the VA border. 

It’s surprising in this day and age that people still don’t know how to drive in the fast lane. When people are going faster than you in the fucking slow lane then you need to do like Ludacris and move bitch, get out the way!  That’s an awesome road song by the way! It helped to calm some of my road rage a little. I almost got ran off the road on the Ohio Turnpike but some assclown trucker merging without warning and forcing a pickup into my lane. I swear motherfuckers better be lucky I don’t have a handgun…yet.

We finally got into Michigan and I was beyond pissed and annoyed when my mom said we had to stop at my sister’s hot friend’s house to pick up her keys since my sister was still had work. Couldn’t even enjoy leering at and flirting with her because all I wanted to do was not be driving and laying down. My mind was shutting down. That GPS was giving me fits. I had to stop myself more than once from taking a swing at it. Her directions weren’t always helpful because they were vague.

GPS: In six blocks turn right.

Me: It’s too late for this shit. You seriously want me to count blocks? Give me a street name.

GPS: Turn right at [insert street name].

Me: You couldn’t have just said that in the first place?

GPS: Turn left at [another street name].

Me: I don’t see any street signs. Turn where? When? Bitch give me some fuckin’ direction already!

Overall the trip was kind of boring to me. My male best friend lives on the other side of the state and tried to make it for a visit but couldn’t work it out. It was a last minute thing so I understood but it still sucked. I couldn’t get a hold of my female best friend but unless she moved again (and it’s possible she did) I couldn’t get in contact with her in time so I didn’t see either of them. I also didn’t get to see my family at a BBQ because I didn’t want to take the dog with me and I didn’t trust her to act like she had an ounce of sense if I left her alone at my sister’s place. Didn’t even get to see my sister’s hot friend because she never did come over like she said she would. I wasn’t feeling the love and over all I was bored out of my mind. My sister doesn’t even have cable. I don’t get people who don’t have cable or watch tv. It’s just fucking wrong and weird as hell. I’ll even say it’s unnatural!

While I was bored I checked out a dating app I downloaded. The local chicks in Michigan are so much hotter than the local chicks in North Carolina on the app. I looked at some of the North Carolina chicks’ pictures and I’m like surely those aren’t the best pics you could find of yourself? Did you even look at those pictures before you posted them?  No you didn’t!  I’m hornier than a fucking unicorn in heat but not that horny. Anyway, I go to check a message and another woman (from NC) sends me a message. I’m not really interested in carrying on a conversation at that moment but I’m trying to be polite and keep it brief. Do you believe this woman gets mad at me because I didn’t want to call her and speak to her? Who the fuck are you?! All I know about you is that you’re too pushy and boring as hell. Good luck to the poor bastard lonely, stupid, and unfortunate enough to deal with your turkey sandwich ass! A turkey sandwich is someone who is bland, boring, and basic much like a namesake turkey sandwich, in case you didn’t know.

The trip home was even longer than the trip to Michigan. I’m talking at least 100 miles longer. I don’t know why or how the GPS chose the route it did to bring us home but I was not happy with it at all. I thought we’d never escape Ohio. Couldn’t even count on cruise control because some asshole was always driving below the speed limit or the police were creeping around every corner and I couldn’t speed like I wanted to. It was pure hell and my GPS was being a jerk. It tells me to stay in the left lane and then with little warning tells me to get in the right lane and exit. How bitch?! This ain’t Fast and the Furious 8 and a teleportation device wasn’t one of the options on my SUV. It’s like she’s really slow in giving directions. to the point that you sometimes have to spend too much time actually reading the GPS instead of trusting her spoken directions. Oh well, I finally made it home safe and sound.

I got my grubby little hands on some White Castle (I love me some onion chips and the sliders weren’t bad either) and some Better Made potato chips among other things. It was nice to get away from the pollen. I washed Coco Nina in Michigan on Thursday. Within 12 hours of being home, I go outside and see that disgusting tree cum on my SUV. I’ll be glad when the tree and grass pollen stops. It’s going to take forever to get Cinnamon’s hair out of my carpet. *sigh* I’m looking forward to finally seeing Batman Vs Superman and to burying my dick in something soft, warm, and wet soon. I really to need to make a liquid Freaky deposit in someone’s daughter, mother, girlfriend, or wife. So how was your Easter?

Author: Freaky Deaky I'm a horny, opinionated, smart-ass, antisocial, introverted, misanthropic, agnostic, nonconformist, free thinking, hedonistic, highly intelligent, and arrogant black man with a dirty mind.