Let me know now if ain’t no dick going in.”
NATAS – “Propalactic Tacticz”
I had an interesting chat awhile ago. You know one of those conversations that start off one way and then branches out in directions you didn’t expect? I wanted to know if it was wrong to refuse somebody’s friendship. The person I was talking to said no. She said everybody isn’t meant to be your friend. You can’t be friends with everybody. It doesn’t mean they’re a bad person, they’re just not right for you. Okay. So what if you’re at a point in life where you either want someone to bone or you want a relationship? Is it wrong to summarily refuse their overtures of friendship if it’s unlikely to become sexual or romantic?
“I’ve never been at that point in my life,” she laughed, “but the best relationships usually start off as a great friendship.”
I hear that all the time. I’m just not sure I believe it. When I think of a friend I think of my girl A. She knows me better than any other female I’m not related to. I trust her. She knows my issues, accepts me for who and how I am and loves me anyway. She understands me. I don’t have to constantly explain to her why. She’s my best friend. Even if I felt that way about her and she wasn’t married I still wouldn’t go there with her. If a strong friendship is the foundation of a good relationship then I may never have a good relationship. I don’t see myself duplicating that kind of friendship with anyone else. Hell even if I managed to it would take years to even approach that level of friendship with another woman. If I haven’t fucked her in that period of time chances are I’m not trying to or going to. Any woman I meet now is going to have to be persistent, insistent, aggressive, and patient if she even wants to stand a chance of truly getting to know me. She’s going to have to jump through some hoops and pass some tests before I even throw her a bone. I don’t know if that woman exists.
“You’ve been friends with her for how many years?” She asked. “It took a long time to develop that friendship and you’re not going to find someone like that unless you find someone you grew up with. Nobody takes the time to get to know anyone now.”
Are you ever really friends if you want something more from the start? Think about it. Dudes don’t just stop you out of the blue and ask for your number because they just want to be your friend. They do it because they’re attracted to you and want to fuck you. Maybe on some level they want to know more about who you are instead of how well you can ride some dick. But let’s be real. Most guys don’t think, “Gee, she looks really intelligent” when they meet you. They think, “Damn, baby, has a nice ass” or something along those lines. Whatever you ultimately end up becoming is purely chance but I guarandamntee you friendship was not/is not the first thing on his mind.
Maybe it’s my definition of friendship. To me, most people use the term way too loosely. Most of the people they call friends probably wouldn’t qualify to be an associate in my book. It’s funny. Friendship is much deeper to me. I expect a lot more and am much more demanding of the people I call friends than the women I call girlfriends. Maybe that’s part of the problem. If I held my girlfriends up to the same standards I do my friends maybe three of them could’ve made the cut. Maybe not even that many.
Friends, to me, fit in one of several categories.
1st Tier Friends: This is where both of my best friends reside. On my friendship scale they’re the undisputed top of the food chain. Given a choice of hanging with them or any and all of my other friends I’d give my best friends the nod. I don’t trust a lot of people. In fact, I distrust most people (and deservedly so, I might add) but I trust them. If I ever ran for a public office they’d be the first two I’d bribe to keep quiet or kill, lol. Considering the fact that I find it very difficult and for the most part not even worth the effort to trust, like, or even be friends with most males, D. being my oldest friend amazes me to no end. We may not be family by blood but they’re my family by choice and heart. I feel comfortable with them. They can tell my mood by my voice and facial expressions even though I’ve worked very hard over the years trying to master masking both. Just being in their presence makes me feel better. I’m a better person for having met them and being smart enough to trust them and lower the gates long enough to let them into my life. Now they’re trapped and there’s no escape! BWAHAHAHA!!!! Sometimes, I think they were made specifically for me. We have a connection I can’t describe and I wouldn’t give it up for the world. I don’t believe in forever but if I did my best friends would definitely be a part of it.
Girlfriends: The majority of them seem to rest somewhere between my 1st and 2nd tier friends. I guess unofficially they’d be my 1.5 tier friends. This is a precarious spot. Since it’s actually a pseudo position it’s not a permanent spot. Eventually she has to go up or down. It’s kind of weird. They get to see a side of me that I don’t share with most people. I’m not even sure how to put it into words right now. Get your mind out of the gutter, pervs! They get to see my fabled sweet, warm, and fuzzy side. I do have one damn it!
2nd Tier Friends: Are people I’m not as tight with as my first tier friends but are more important and closer to me than the 3rd and 4th tier friends. We have at least a few things in common and people I care about have either met, talked to, or at the very least heard of the people on this tier of friendship. If we don’t or can’t hang out regularly then we at least communicate on a regular basis. We’re there for each other and can count on each other in a pinch. Given time some of these friends could get promoted to the 1st tier. It usually takes at least a year to make the jump from 3rd tier to 2nd tier. Once you’re in this tier I can actually feel somewhat comfortable and secure with using your name and the future tense together. By this time I can do it without thinking, “Who is she/he trying to fool? You know good and damn well we’re not even going to be talking in six months.” I figure if you’re that determined to stick around and managed not to get cut then maybe just maybe you’re someone special and have what it takes.
3rd Tier Friends: These are usually people I haven’t known long or don’t know really well. They’re usually people who I share a strong interest in one or two particular things. If I had to define this tier in one word, I’d use “buddy”. People in this tier might be a shopping buddy, a movie buddy, a work out buddy, a fuck buddy, etc. This is also the tier that my 4th tier friends are first eligible to be promoted to. People usually don’t stay in this tier for long periods of time. Why? Because these people usually drift away as your interest in whatever brought you together ebbs and flows. With time you find out that you either have more in common and they get promoted to 2nd tier status or less in common and they get demoted or fall off completely.
Ex-girlfriends: Most of my exes aren’t even in the barrel any longer. If we can manage to still be friends afterwards this is where they usually end up at the unofficial 3.5 tier of friendship. It’s possible she could be a fuck buddy right after the break up and to have enough history and goodwill for her to avoid the associate designation. However, things are strained and if she wants me to be her friend she’s going to have to start over, damn near from scratch, and earn it. The fall from grace can be difficult and most never rise again. Most get treated like they’re damn near brand new. No love, no trust, nothing!
4th Tier Friends: These people are at the bottom of the barrel. Hey, you have to start somewhere. Some people don’t even get in the barrel. The term friend is used very, very loosely with these people so much so that it could technically be considered a lie. If I had to define this tier in one word, it would be “associate”. I pretty much only associate with these people through the place or person I met them through. People in this category include friends of friends, classmates, co-workers, people I chat with online, etc. No one important to me usually knows about any of these people. Our conversations are often vapid, inconsequential, small talk, chit chat, jokes or related to how we met. When the situation in which I met these people change I usually no longer have any contact with them. They’re a welcome diversion at times but not much more. I don’t expect these people to stick around and as fact would have it they don’t.
“You’re afraid sex would mess up the relationship,” she said. “You don’t want to risk the friendship but if you have the friendship and the relationship doesn’t work out you still have the friendship to go back to.”
Of course it would. Sex changes everything. As for going back to the friendship, I don’t know. I guess it depends on whom dumped who and why? If my friend turned lover cheated on me we couldn’t be friends again…ever. In that situation I lost the friendship, relationship, and the sex. It’s not worth it. If I truly saw a woman as a real friend (on A’s level or even a level 2) I’d value the friendship too much to risk either one of us doing something stupid and messing it up. If she broke up with me I’d probably think if I’m not good enough to fuck her then she’s not good enough for my love or friendship.
“You can’t think like that,” she said. “Just because the relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean the friendship won’t.”
That’s the rub. To me it does. You can only hurt me so much before I shut you down completely. I don’t share my heart with many people. You can’t reject my love and expect me to still want to be around you. My pride and my ego won’t allow it. I never understood that. You’re saying that my love isn’t desirable enough or good enough for you but you offer me your friendship? Most people’s ideas and definitions of friendship are a lot looser than mine. So you reject me and give me a laughably insulting counteroffer. Fuck you! Why not spit in my face, bitch slap me, fuck my best friend, and then piss on my leg too while you’re at it? Even if we were to somehow remain friends it wouldn’t be the same and we sure as hell couldn’t be friends in the immediate future.