Halloween Meme

1. What’s the scariest movie you’ve ever seen?
Scary movies don’t really scare me. I always shake my head in wonder at people genuinely being afraid to see certain movies or watching horror movies with the lights on. I can’t watch movies with people like that. The temptation to fuck with their heads is just too great for me and scary movies need to be watched at night and in the dark. To do otherwise is blasphemous and truly offends me. The problem with modern horror movies is two part in my opinion. One, after A Nightmare on Elm Street II, Freddy became a smartass and likeable. Most horror movies for awhile after that couldn’t balance humor with horror and the movies became more funny than terrifying. The second problem is that people nowadays often confuse gore with scary. They’re two very different things.

The scary stuff I have an affinity for are the movies that gave me the creeps as a kid. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre made me uncomfortable as a kid. That chubby dude in the wheelchair with the knife was creepy as fuck. So much so that I just didn’t even want to go past that scene so I didn’t for many years. I personally think that reading most of Stephen King’s novels are about as pleasurable as fucking a close relative’s dry pussy while hopped up on anti-depressants, suffering from a limp dick, and being cheered on and directed by your mom and far less interesting but I dig his earlier movies. The Shining was a classic. To this day when I see a St. Bernard I think of Cujo (I still want to own one though.) A Nightmare on Elm Street had me paranoid for a few nights. The sound of his knife glove dragging along the pipes scared me for some reason. The fact that Freddy could metaphorically and literally fuck with your head and my history of nightmares as a child was like a one-two punch.

2. What was your favorite Halloween Costume from childhood?
Damn, you do realize childhood ended decades ago for me right? Thankfully, I graduated from those cheap numbers with the plastic masks they used to sell at K-Mart back in the day. Those masks were irritating and when I think of how cheap and unoriginal they were I’m ashamed that I had any sheep tendencies as a kid. Anyway, I’m basing my favorite costume on probably what was most memorable to me now (i.e. what I can fucking remember.) I’d have to say it was a pirate costume. I had my sword, bandana wrapped around my head, fake rotten teeth, and even rocked the eye patch. It took my vision a bit to recover after I took off the patch at the end of a long night of trick or treating. I think I even had a stuffed parrot too. Sometimes, I think I would’ve made a great pirate in another life. Of course, knowing me I wouldn’t be happy being anything less then either the pirate king or the most infamous badass pirate ever. Aaargh! I had a blast. The only thing I was missing was a peg leg, hook hand, and buxom wench at my side to have my way with at will. Maybe one of these years, Freaky the horny pirate will make an appearance. Now I just have to find me a wench or three or five or…

3. If you had an unlimited budget, what would your Fantasy Costume be for this Halloween?
With an unlimited budget I’d hire one of those Hollywood special effects firms to do me up as a badass zombie or ghoul. I’d have rotted teeth, decayed flesh, a compound fracture, my brain partially exposed, wounds that would ooze all kinds of vile and gore (don’t forget the maggots), ripped up and dirty clothes complete with cemetary grass stains and dirt on them. The works! Since money is no object I’d also have some people with me of all ages to be my “victims”. They’d have some kind of yummy tasting fake edible flesh that I could rip or gnaw off when I attacked them and eat it. I’d be fucking with all kinds of people randomly acting out zombie scenes near young children, in front of churches, etc. I’d even hit on women while in full zombie get-up too. If I can do it right Halloween will be a major holiday in my household when I have kids.

4. When was the last time you went Trick Or Treating?
Don’t quote me on it but I’m thinking it was probably in the 8th grade. After that people tend to look at you like you’re retarded, a bum, or some other pathetic sad sack loser. I don’t imagine I’ll go trick or treating again until I have some rugrats of my own.

5. What’s your favorite Halloween Candy?
I absolutely loved the wax candy, especially the wax bottles. I also adored the crispy chocolate candies too. Hell anything chocolate (and didn’t contain nuts or coconut) was good for me. I also liked the people that gave out money. Yeah, it’s not candy but you can buy more candy which is almost as good. I despised the assholes that gave out shit like fruit, pennies, and toothbrushes. If I were a kid now their eyes would definitely get vandalized for that shit.

6. Tell us about a scary nightmare you had.
I’ve had my share of scary nightmares. One nightmare that used to scare the fuck out of me when I was a kid involved someone breaking into our house. For some reason I wake up as the burglar breaks in. She’s dressed in a leather catsuit and rummaging about the living room. She gets bored with that so she pulls out a knife, licks the blade, and winks at me (or in my direction anyway). I’m staring at her through my partially open bedroom door and even though it’s pretty dark we’re aware of each other. She walks down the hallway and stops near our doors. My sister’s room was on her right and my room was on the left. She was doing some wild tricks with the knife while trying to decide who’s room she’d enter. I was terrified.

After what seemed like forever she decided to enter my sister’s room after turning in my direction and blowing me a kiss. She closes the door behind her and I’m too afraid to move or make a sound. I peek through a hole where the door knob should be but wasn’t and I see her on top of my sister. One of her hands is covering her mouth while the hand with the knife is using my sister as a human pin cushion. Blood was everywhere and she finally stopped stabbing her long enough to lay next to my sister and rub some of the blood on her face and catsuit. My sister had been stabbed so viciously and so many times that her intestines were starting to ooze out of some of the larger and deeper cuts and wounds. The lady in the catsuit must have known I was watching because she used the bloody knife to masturbate with and licked her lips.

I heard her laughing as I ran upstairs to try to tell my mother. I screamed for my mother and tried to wake her but no matter what I did she wouldn’t wake up. I was crying and hysterical. I heard the stairs creak as the lady killer came upstairs. She taunted me by telling me I couldn’t save my sister and that it was already too late for my mom. I hid in one of the closests and she already seemed to know where I was hiding. She climbed on my mom’s bed, mounted her, and slashed her throat from ear to ear in front of me. She took her time and laughed in delight. My eyes were like saucers but for some reason I didn’t get the feeling she was staring at them. She was staring through them into my psyche and soul.

She took great joy in announcing that she was deciding if she was going to have her way with me and then kill me or if she was just going to kill me and then have her way with me. She asked me which did I prefer? I sprinted out of the closet and headed straight for the stairs. She jumped off of the bed and was in hot pursuit. I ran down the stairs and jumped down the dirty clothes chute and hid in a pile of laundry in the basement. She took the long way to the basement and already knew where I was. I ran and she chased me slashing at me wildly. I tripped and she pounced on me. The lower half of her face was bloody but she was still gorgeous to me for some odd reason. She kissed me, fondled me, and then asked me if I was ready to die. As she was about to stab me I woke up. I had this nightmare in elementary school somewhat regularly.

7. What is your Supernatural Fear?
As a kid there were a few of them. The boogeyman, demons, angry spirits, Bloody Mary, I’ve always had an interest in stuff like the arcane and the occult, parallel dimensions, alternate realities, and with death (this disturbed many people when I was a kid) so I was always reading about or fucking around with some shit I probably had no business doing. When I got a little older it was black majic, ouija boards (well specifically opening a door and not being able to close it or having something bad escape), possession, and stuff like that. Now I can’t really say I have a true supernatural fear (http://freakytopia NULL.net/2006/03/07/der-konig-die-schauspielerin-und-der-fuhrer/). Anything I may or may not be weary of can more likely be attributed to some lingering unacknowledged and therefore unresolved childhood fear. I don’t believe in the boogeyman and if he ever makes me want to question his existence I have some bullets with his name on it, a pit bull that adores me, and I’m secure in the knowledge that if I can get my hands on the bastard I can choke his ass out.

8. What is your Creepy-Crawlie Fear?
I pretty much hate all forms of insect life. Roaches make my skin crawl. Thinking about them crawling on me is enough to make me want to scratch my skin off. I also don’t like the larger bugs regardless of them being “friendly”. I despise dragonflies, butterflies, and praying mantises. Besides the fact that I like having four distinct seasons, never have to worry about a hurricane, and absolutely hate the heat I don’t want to live in sough because of the flying cockroaches. If you want to see me lose my mind just let one of the bastards fly in my direction. I also don’t like the longer bugs with all the legs like centipedes, millipedes, and silverfish. It’s difficult for me to sleep if I know there’s a bug in the room until I kill it.

9. Tell us about a time when you saw a ghost, or heard something go bump in the night.
As far as I know I don’t think I’ve ever seen a ghost. Well there was this one time when I swore I saw two little white girls go into my sister’s room while calling out to me. Now if it really happened or not, I don’t know. I’m not even sure ghosts actually exist. I have heard my name clearly being called when there was no one other than me there. It’s happened when I’ve been home alone, it’s happened when I’ve been outside too, I’ve even been awakened by it before. It always happened when I was alone for some reason and the voice(s) was usually that of a girl but sometimes it was two girls and sometimes it was a boy. I didn’t recognize any of them. Now if I was or am clairaudient I don’t know but as a kid that shit used to freak me out.

10. Would you ever stay in a real Haunted House overnight?
I don’t know. Are the beds comfy? Is a big booty cutie bed buddy included in the package? I probably would just so I could say that I did. I’d probably be there with a scaredy cat or something and it might make an interesting story to blog about.

11. Are you a traditionalist (just a face) Jack O’Lantern Carver, or do you get really creative with your pumpkins?
I’ve never had a Jack O’Lantern so I guess I’m neither.

12. How much do you decorate your home for Halloween?
Currently, I don’t. There’s not really any reason too. Unless I was having some kind of party for Halloween or until I have kids I don’t really see that changing anytime soon.

13. What do you want on your tombstone?
Pepperonis, oh you meant the other tombstone didn’t you? Off the top of my head I think any of the following will be fitting. “Miss me? Should’ve thought about that when I was alive. Too late now.” “When there’s no more room in hell the dead shall walk the Earth. I’ll be sure to visit you.” “Alone at birth, alone in life, and alone in death.” “May you find joy and love in the next life that you couldn’t find in this one.” “It doesn’t matter.” I think any of them would be a good fit for me.

As usual I won’t be tagging any of you funny acting bloggers and for the record I don’t want to hear shit about me never tagging any of you.

Happy Halloween!!!