I really, really dislike dealing with government agencies and other large bureaucracies.  I’m pretty sure they’re annoying by design to discourage you from even attempting to bother them.  Last week, I was on my laptop when I received a notice from my security suite that my subscription was expiring and that I needed to renew my license key.  I click to go to their home page and while I was most definitely born in the day time, I was not born yesterday.  Whenever possible, I vehemently believe in never paying full price.  I don’t care if my ultimate savings ends up being only a couple of bucks but I take great pride in knowing that I didn’t pay full price.  Anyway, I’m at my security suite’s website looking at their renewal page.  Never, ever, renew at their website unless you like getting fucked in the ass with no Vaseline.  If you are indeed into that sort of thing and are either in the metro Detroit area or plan on being in the metro Detroit area then holla at me through e-mail so I can “analize” you and give you a liquid Freaky enema.  Shouldn’t need to be said but females only.  Man, they must have thought I was brand new or something.  These motherfuckers were talking about $80 to renew.  My middle finger violently extended like one of Wolverine’s pig stickers and I think the phrase, “suck my fucking dick” may have been expelled from my mouth.

So I went to my regular software site to see what they had.  I figured I’d just by the newest version of it and be done.  The price was okay but I decided to look up a 3 license deal.  I hate the security suite on my desktop and as it’s an aging computer I want something that’s a bit less bloated, less annoying, and will be okay until I get around to building another desktop.  I figure I could give the third license to either my mom, my sister, or my girl.  I could also use it for a future computer.  I have my eyes on a netbook.  That will make my fourth computer if I actually get it but I may put that off until my birthday or my Christmas 2009 present to myself.   Anyway, I looked to see if I could find it any cheaper elsewhere online and I did.  At the time, I found a store offering it for about $5 cheaper and that’s even after factoring in shipping.  I did my due diligence (I love that phrase) and found that the company wasn’t a fly by night store, selling bootleg software, so I placed my order.  I went with the cheapest shipping which was with USPS.

The post office probably has the least helpful tracking site of all the shippers.  The company allegedly shipped out my software on the 7th.  They gave me a label number so I could track my package either later that night or on the 8th.  For a day the only thing the tracking told me was that the post office received my information.  Great.  On the 10th my package was magically at the main post office in Detroit where it sat for a couple of days.  Monday morning, the site notified me that my package arrived at the local office slightly before 4:00 AM.   Great!  That means I should get it later that day when the mail is delivered.   Well, usually.  Sometimes it could show up before the mail or about an hour later but I should still get it.   I don’t know what the deal is with our mailman.  Maybe he was recently bitten by a vampire or something because he doesn’t seem to want to bring our mail by before darkness falls.  *sigh*  I check for the mail periodically.  No mail and no package.  Finally at around 6:00 PM I go out to the mailbox and there’s mail in it.  But wait, there’s no package.  I look in the usual places he leaves packages and I see nada.  Oh Satan full of spite!  Where the fuck is my software?  I go back to the tracking page and the status reads, “Arrival at Unit”.  What is bullshit, Alex?  Correct!

The post office is ridiculously close.  If I had a sniper’s rifle and an unobstructed view I could probably shoot the building.  It was there early enough to be included in yesterday’s delivery with our mailman or with a secondary delivery for packages which sometimes happens.  I e-mail the company and the post office asking what’s up with my package and to confirm it was actually delivered and not still sitting in some bin at the post office.  The post office wanted a laundry list of information.  One of the gems asked if I thought it was foul play?  As in murder?  Um, no.  As in do I think someone walked off with my shit?  That depends on if you actually delivered it now doesn’t it twatwaffle?  Do I know who took it?  Again, did you actually delivered it?  If not then the whole line of questioning is kind of a moot point you know.  Secondly if it was stolen and I knew who did I’d reach out and strangle someone until they gave it back and some cash for my troubles.  So I’m going to go with no.  Anymore stupid questions?  It kind of bothered me that they wanted my phone number.  If I e-mailed you then should it not be assumed that any further correspondence continue in that form unless or until I requested otherwise?  One of my unofficial resolutions for this year is to be more stingy with personal information online.  Someone always wants a phone number, name, picture, or some other tidbit that isn’t really necessary and no good reason (by my criteria) as to why they need it.  I halfway considered canceling the reply.

If I don’t get it today then I’m going to get sharpen my tongue and get a little ignorant.  I deplore having to lower myself like that but as I have said in other cases, sometimes people don’t listen to you, respect you, or understand that they’re going to help you until you show some teeth.  Even then sometimes you have to clamp down on someone’s ass before they wake up and take some act right pills.


Seems like the mailman either wore a cloak or found some cure for his vampirism because he showed up while there was still light out.  He usually sounds like he’s trying to beat through my wall when he delivers mail but I didn’t hear him today.  Then again I was rocking out to one of my playlists.  Anyway, I have my software.  Guess I don’t have to cuss anyone out.  Although when the company asks me to review them I may have to leave something a bit more snarky than necessary.