I was checking out a forum where a question was posed by a woman that wanted to know what women could, should, or needed to know to enhance their relationships with men. It was a pretty good discussion and it got the hamster wheels in my head rolling so I thought why not post some of my thoughts on the subject.
Don’t bombard me with a bunch of questions, requests, orders, or anything else when we first talk. It’s annoying and will only cause me to shut down, tune you out, or retreat in some other way. I don’t like being interrogated and last time I checked slavery was over in the United States. If my answers are unsatisfactory then try asking stronger and better follow up questions but ease into it over the course of our conversation.
Watch what you ask. Generally, I try to be honest, sometimes even brutally honest but I’ve learned over the years that holding back some things (even if I have to lie) to spare your feelings or never ending grief for me is better than telling you every last detail. With that said if you ask a question you don’t really want an answer to then the possibility exists for you getting an answer you don’t really want to hear.
Sometime in your interactions and dealings with me you will be wrong. Shhh! Don’t argue or get defensive, this is just fact. I’ve known enough women to realize that some of you would rather have your pubic hair plucked out with rusty tweezers wielded by someone with a neuromuscular disorder while being submerged in a saltwater bath then to admit that I was right and you were wrong. Being able to admit you’re wrong and apologize (when the situation merits or requires it) isn’t a bad thing. It’s actually refreshing and kind of sexy. Try it sometimes.
When you do apologize for something please stop demanding that I accept your apology immediately after. Look you hurt me or pissed me off on your own time schedule and I’ll get over it on mine. I can pretty much guarantee that it’s going to take me a bit longer than immediately afterward to get over it. When you expect me to accept your apology right away the answer screaming in my head is hell fucking no I don’t accept your apology! Give me some damn time to process and decompress!
Men and women are wired differently and think differently. I honestly believe that. Because something seems reasonable or makes perfect sense to you and your girlfriends does not mean that we feel it’s reasonable or that it makes perfect sense to us.
Just like you aren’t always right neither are your girlfriends. Consider the source of the person giving you advice. You don’t ask vegans for steakhouse recommendations, Charlie Sheen for advice on being clean and sober, or broke people for financial advice, do you? So why do ask that bitter bitch with no man, the one that can’t keep a relationship longer than a couple of months, or the town bicycle for advice on your relationship with your man? They don’t always have your best interests in heart or give good advice.
Quit telling your friends my business, especially, if they can’t shut the hell up about it! I hate hearing your friends casually tell me something about myself that I know I didn’t tell them. It makes me wonder what else you’ve been yapping to them about.
I have feelings and emotions that can and do get hurt too. I don’t always wear them on my sleeve for the world to pick at and see or feel the need to tell you as soon as you hurt me but damn it if you prick me do I not bleed? I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not usually forthcoming with my feelings but if we’ve been together for a good period of time you should have some kind of clue at least that something you said or did could possibly hurt me. If nothing else learn empathy.
(I pretty much copied this paragraph verbatim because it’s so well said.) We don’t talk about and express our every emotion as much as you do. So it’s very important to us that you actually LISTEN to us when we do express those things. Just listen. Men don’t have the emotional support structures that women do. We can’t go cry to our boys or parents or siblings. Our boys don’t want to hear all about our woes and we don’t want to hear about theirs. So we go through life for the most part, without a shoulder to cry on. That’s where you come in. It’s so refreshing to have a woman that you can open up to in that way when you need to, and it’s a very personal, deep, intimate thing for us because we do it with SOOOO few people in our lives. If your man opens up to you that way, treat it with respect and honor. If you shatter it in some way, he may never open up to you again.
Quit worrying about the light skin chick with long hair, fat ass, and tiny cloths taking me from you. The chick you need to be worried about is the one I share my feelings with, the one I tell my hopes, dreams, and fears to. The one I open up to and makes me feel special, more important, and desired than you do, is the one to be wary of. The phrase that pays is “emotional intimacy”.
Blame it on me being male, a Libra, a know it all, or anything else you want to but it’s in my nature to want peace and harmony around me and for everyone I’m dealing with. If you have a problem, I want to solve it or help you solve it so that we can MOVE on. I understand needing to vent but I am NOT one of your girlfriends. If you don’t want me to solve (or to help solve) your problem(s) or you have absolutely no intentions whatsoever of heeding my advice and attempting to correct the problem promptly then you’re probably better off discussing it with your girlfriends, mama, or anyone other than me. I told you how to solve the problem. I don’t want to keep discussing the same old bullshit all the time because you refuse to take initiative and at least try. When you’re ready to do something I got your back but I hate having my time wasted and repeating myself.
Give me my space. If I don’t want to talk to you on the phone chances might be good that I don’t want to text, IM, chat, e-mail, or anything else with you at the moment either. It’s nothing against you. I just require a fair amount of time to myself. Please respect that and don’t try to force interaction with me everyday unless you’re trying to send me running or you want me to snap.
There’s a time and place for everything but the time to discuss the state of our relationship or some other heavy topic isn’t during my favorite show or sporting event or on one of those rare everything seems to go my way and I feel like I can’t possibly lose days. It can wait.
Give us compliments, sincere compliments and give them regularly enough so that we don’t pull a complete blank when asked about the last time you complimented us. You like getting them, what makes you think that we don’t need or want them as well? I’ve dated a few women who acted like giving man a compliment was worse than receiving major oral surgery without painkillers. Saying that I should know you’re attracted to me because we’re talking, dating, or whatever isn’t necessarily obvious or even enough. I like, want, and need attention, affection, and compliments too.
Learn to take a compliment. I hate giving a woman and compliment and having her act like her emotion chip blew and she shuts down or gives you that stupid, uncomfortable nervous laugh. If it seems like I’m talking to myself when giving you a compliment then sooner or later I’ll just stop trying altogether.
I’m not your daddy. You’re not my daughter. Quit expecting me to do things for you that you wouldn’t do for me. I’m just going to resent you and you’re going to be disappointed. When going down your ginormous list of what your man must do for you flip the script and ask yourself if you’re willing to do the same exact thing for him and if not what’s so special about you that makes you think you don’t have to or shouldn’t.
Work on enhancing things other than your looks. I’ve known a few women who were really, really hot by my standards but bored me more than a Lifetime network marathon narrated by golf announcers. Just because I want to stab between your thighs repeatedly with my dick doesn’t mean I find you interesting enough to talk to after I’ve put in the work to bone you. Do you have any interests outside of school or work that a heterosexual man might find interesting? If not then you might be one of those boring chicks. I’m just saying…*shrugs*
I don’t need to hear every opinion you have as soon as you have it, especially if it’s negative and unsolicited. Take that noise elsewhere!
I don’t care if your best friend is gay, the word is appropriateness. It is never appropriate for him to see you naked, grope on you, share a bed with you, and a list of other things. Hell, for that matter he shouldn’t even want to do those things with you. If you really don’t understand this concept then please wear a sign and let me know not to bother with you from the start.