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Seems like the royal wedding has people in one of two camps.  Those thinking about marriage and those who just don’t give a fuck.  I didn’t get up early to watch the wedding.  I’ve been tired of hearing about it for the past month and today is straight overkill.  Of course, it seems like everyone is talking about it.

RP:  Did you watch the wedding?

Me:  Nope!  I don’t have anything against them but I don’t give a fuck about it on so many levels it’s not even funny.

RP:  Really?!

Me:  Yeah!  Ain’t no straight man who isn’t in the media or stands to make a profit off of it paying much attention to it.  Chicks and gay dudes are the only ones getting up early and having wedding watching parties, wearing those stupid ass hats, and doing all that unnecessary shit trying to live out their princess fantasies vicariously.  For supposedly being the smarter sex women are into some stupid shit.

RP:  LOL.  Like what?

Me:  Paying all that money and acting like they’re balling out of control to show out for a bunch of people you’re probably not going to see again until some other chick gets dollar signs in her eyes and tries to out do the previous wedding.  $17 million dollars for a wedding?  Do you know what I can do with $17 million dollars?  I just think it’s stupid as hell to spend all that money on something that’s pretty much for one day.  I’d rather have a small ceremony and put all that money on house, honeymoon, and rainy day fund than feeding and supplying drinks for a bunch of ungrateful motherfuckers I don’t know.  Don’t even get me started on the gender disparity like the rented tux and cheap ass piece of shit, plain wedding band men get while women get expensive gowns and multi carat diamond rings.  Fuck that!

RP:  Those people are your family and friends.  It’s a once in a lifetime experience.

Me:  *side eye*  My family consists of two people and I don’t have friends like that.  So all the extraneous people taking up seats, eating food, drinking at the bar, and breathing my air are her people.  I’m not paying for that.  Fuck’em!  Those ain’t my people. Relatives by marriage aren’t really relatives as evidenced by the fact that you can pretty much fuck them with no social stigma whatsoever unlike blood relatives.  Yeah, it’s a once in a lifetime experience until you get divorced and want to remarry.  I bet you’ll still want to wear white and one up the last ceremony because this time it’s TRUE love.

RP:  You’re mean.  How long have you and your girl been together?

Me:  Almost four years.

RP:  So when are you getting married?

Me:  *chokes with laughter*  You didn’t get the wedding invitation?

RP:  For real?

Me:  Yeah, it’s set for the 35th of Neverary.

RP:  Fuck you, Freaky!  LOL.  You ain’t right!

Me:  I honestly don’t see the purpose of marriage at this point in my life.  I fail to see how it’s going to benefit or enrich either of us.

RP:  Wow!  So you don’t ever want to or see yourself tying the night?

Me:  It’s not that I can’t ever see myself being married.  I just have my doubts that it will happen and I’m not ready for it now anyway.

RP:  Why don’t you think you’re ready for it?

Me:  A bunch of reasons actually.  First, off I don’t know anyone who is happily married so I don’t have anyone to model a good, successful marriage off of.  If I ever do get married I only plan on doing it once and then it’s bachelorhood for life.  With that said I’d want to go into personally knowing multiple people who have endured and can tell me how it really is.  I already know that I can be selfish…

RP:  Can be selfish?  You mean are, right?

Me:  I’m holding up a finger right now, one guess to which it is.

RP:  Your thumb?

Me:  Nope, a couple fingers over.  Anyway, I want to be the most important person in my future wife’s life.  I honestly don’t think I could ever truly be happy having anyone in her life that potentially threatened that.  I have to be the apex, the epitome, the top banana, I can’t be happy being anything less because I’d always be resentful of whoever or whatever I perceived as being more important than me.  It’s just my nature and I won’t apologize for being like that or feeling that way.  Of course kids happen and then there’s the whole babies are helpless thing and need constant attention.  I don’t think I really want her to share too much of MY attention even if I went half on that baby.

RP:  Awww don’t be jealous of the baby.

Me:  And there’s also the thing about only fucking one woman for the rest of my life.   Forever ever? Forever ever!  I’m not really feeling that.  I don’t even think monogamy is natural for humans.  Not saying I have to be a big ole hoe bag but I might want to sample some extra marital ass now and then.  Let’s keep it real.  I know I’ll want to sample some other ass.  That’s fine if the relationship is open or she’s freaky and lets me have some threesomes or swing or something but really how many chicks are going to let you do that after they say I do?  I hear they’re out there but I’ve never met one.  If you tell me I can’t do something it just makes me want to do it even more.  Finally, when everything goes to hell, because I don’t believe in forever and things will always go to hell, it’s just easier to break things off when you’re not married.