*blows off the dust* Anybody here?
I’m still alive and kicking. My mom is fine and Cinnamon is well, Cinnamon. I swear that dog has issues. Anyway, she’s recently taken to shredding things whenever I leave her for some period of time. I came home once and started looking for a search warrant because it looked like the po-po ran through and tossed the place for no damn reason. I’m not sure if she’s angry, bored, or if her anxiety issues has ramped up. I might need to look into getting her some anti-depressants or something. I’m serious. I suppose I could lock her up whenever I leave but what’s the point of having a dog watch your place if it doesn’t have whole house access?
I was walking the dog the other day and I hear a door open and someone shouting. Next thing I know some pit bull looking dog comes charging us. I’ve always thought she was a big old scaredy cat but she looked like she was either ready to go or at least play the role. I managed to spin Cinnamon around so that I was a barrier in between them and then I shouted at the dog. Luckily he ran back to his stupid ass owner. If he hadn’t then I probably would’ve tried stomping its head or one of its legs. I want to know how the fuck do you open the door without a.) looking to see if anyone is outside (is that not common?) and b.) not knowing where your dog is when you open the door, especially if you have an escape artist on your hand. I’ve trained mine to go sit on the stairs when I tell her to and I usually give her the command when I’m opening the door. Dude didn’t apologize or anything but just look stupid. I’ll definitely be purchasing some type of weapon next year, not sure if it will be a taser or a gun but I’m leaning towards a gun. I swear if the Purge was a real life thing he’d be on my list.
So Cinnamon had a vet appointment today for a tooth cleaning. It’s free once a year on her insurance plan. Yep, my puppy girl has insurance. What the hell was I thinking scheduling a drop off on a Sunday? It’s football season and depending on who is playing and how interesting the game is it’s also a prime opportunity for spontaneous napping. The drop offs are always done earlier than I want to be up. The benefit is usually that I don’t have to stay there and wait to be seen. They take her and I get a call to pick her up when whatever needs to be done is done. I wish someone would offer that service for my mom. Throw in a ride to and from and I will kiss that person on the mouth no questions asked! The dog had to be under anesthesia for the teeth cleaning and she was really antsy to get out there by the time they brought her out. She was whining a lot and while she was happy to see me she wasn’t trying to climb me like a cat. So I’m ready to take the dog to the dog park and get her home. The dog is on the back seat shaking and whining and my mom just casually asks out of the blue if I can take her to get something to eat. Seriously? You don’t see how the dog is acting? She could’ve went any time before I picked up the dog but she wants to come with so I can drive her to get some food. *sigh* Sometimes I just close my eyes and imagine walking up to random people and stabbing the shit out of them for no fucking reason! After I’ve stabbed about a half dozen people I just silently scream in my head.
I have a doctor’s appointment Friday and then I am done for at least four months. I hate that I had to do it but I told my mother I would rather go through the trouble of getting a gun, putting it in the back of my mouth, and killing myself than to chauffeur her to another doctor’s office in the near future. Hell, that’s not even how I’d actually plan to off myself, by the way. I’ve seen way too many pictures of people that tried killing themselves that way and didn’t die. It ain’t pretty. If she needs to go to the E.R. than I’ll drive her to one and she can call me when the release her but barring emergencies I’m done. I told her that I’m not trying to be about that life where I’m in some doctor’s office every week or every month. She said that she hoped I was lucky enough not to have to. Luck has nothing to do with it. I wouldn’t go see a doctor that often for whatever reason. Personally, I’d rather be dead.
Sometimes I look at the featured image above and laugh. What’s the use of opening your mouth if no one is there to hear me? Throughout my life there have been periods of time where I’ve wanted to kill myself. It’s somewhat fluid. I might go many months or a couple of years without thinking about it and then all of a sudden it’s like the dam that holds back all the emotions and thoughts I bottle up just bursts and everything comes rushing out like some great flood. I can’t say the dam has burst, yet, but I feel fractures all along it compromising the stoic facade. I wish I didn’t have to endure this alone…or at all but it’s like the saying goes, “If wishes were fifths then we’d all be drunk.” I don’t talk about the happy days or the miserable days with people. I figure if I can’t share the bad then they don’t deserve the good and if I don’t share the good then sharing the bad is impolite and unacceptable. Yeah, I’m a weirdo I guess.
I compartmentalize so many things to protect myself and deal with reality. I rarely even allow people the opportunity to disappointment me anymore. On the rare occasions anyone knows to even ask how I’m doing I just lie and read from my prepared script. “I’m straight.” It seems to satisfy most people’s sense of decorum before burdening me with all the shit that’s wrong with their lives. I feel like I’m a sin eater for other people’s problems. Sometimes I just want to scream at them, what about me?! I have problems! I have feelings! Why can’t I unburden myself of some of them with you? Because you make me feel stupid! I feel stupid for sharing my feelings and problems with you because no one is as emotionally supportive to me as I am with you. As bad, sad, or angry as I may feel having to wall up all those emotions and hold up that very wall with my shoulders and back, even that is less painful than how stupid I feel after trying to open up and the responses I get. As disappointed as I get with everyone I’m even more disappointed in myself for once again falling for the okey doke. I really wish I could hurt people as badly as I hurt. Then and only then I might believe someone truly loves and understands me.
When I think about it I can really relate to this scene from The Avengers. I’m Dr. Banner and my secret is that I’m always angry. If you haven’t seen it The Avengers is a fun movie, check it out!
I finally got rid of one of the banes of my existence. Last week, I ditched Sprint. Even with their femtocell (think localized cell tower, kind of) my coverage was sucky. Sprint was like that abusive lover that promised things would get better if you gave them one more chance. Of course, they’d fuck up again, I’d complain and they’d say some bullshit to try to placate me. Just as often they’d read from the script saying they weren’t reporting any problems in my area. I tweeted them a screenshot of the network speeds I was getting and they replied with some bullshit about there being a problem with a tower there. Mind you I hadn’t even told them where I was when they sent the reply. Well, the problem is that there aren’t enough towers in my area. Even when I am in an area with a “strong” signal the experience was crappy. Calls drop, data would fluctuate so often that it was pretty much unusable. Sometimes I’d start looking for something at a shopping center a few miles down the street from me and the page still wouldn’t be loaded by the time I got home. Sprint would never let me be great. Case in point, I’m at Best Buy trying to switch carriers and they needed my account number from Sprint. My mind blanked on me and I didn’t even think to bring it with me. So I figure I’d log into my account on my phone and get it there. Nope! My phone wasn’t even pretending to load the page. I tried to call them and the call wouldn’t even complete the first two times I tried calling them. On the third try calling *611 the call finally went through. The connection was straight garbage and I honestly expected the call to drop at any moment since it kept fluctuating between one and two bars like the tower was having a seizure.
I’m back with the Death Star network a.k.a. AT&T. I was going to back to T-Mobile but I remembered the difficulties I had when I first came here to visit Val. I checked out the network and laughed at how awful it was. It was worse than Sprint. Verizon is too damn expensive unless you know someone that can get you a hookup. Unfortunately, I do not. I’m liking AT&T and my new phone at the moment. I got the LG G3 in the AT&T exclusive steel blue. For some reason I don’t like to get the same color car or phone twice in a row. My last phone was white and my next SUV won’t be red.
Cinnamon isn’t feeling good. Hope she doesn’t have any more accidents tonight. Guess I should go check on her and give her some attention.