I voted yesterday. Next time I think I might take advantage of early voting or filling out an absentee ballot. Sometimes it seems like the whole voting process is set up to annoy people in general and me specifically. My local polling station is in part of a church. Being an agnostic atheist, I always feel some kind of way about walking into churches. I think religious institutions should be strictly for religious use. I’d prefer the polling station be in a rec center, city hall, a school, pretty much any other large building nearby. But Freaky, aren’t churches large buildings? Well, why they do tend to be, this one chose to relegate the polling booths to half of a room that honestly was too small for the turnout. It’s like they knew I’d be there and didn’t want me to taint the sanctity of their home.

We wait in line being slowly roasted by the sun until we can actually get inside the door. So between cooking in the sun or bursting into flames by entering a holy place, I’m hot. Once inside the line is further split five ways, alphabetically by last name. Of course I’m in the longest line while the other four are empty of anything other than tumbleweeds taunting me. Thanks mom, you really couldn’t marry Mr. Zoboomafoo? Did I mention that the lady checking our ID and addresses looks to be in the running for the oldest person alive?  Seriously, the average age of the poll workers had to be 103. Don’t you have a standing appointment with one foot, a banana peel, and a grave or something? What’s the point of having a voter’s registration card if you don’t even look at it? Why the fuck do I have to state my address when you can see it plain as day on the driver’s license you’re holding? One of those batshit crazy racist Trump supporters might try to follow me home or something. So I waited all this time to get a card that allows me to wait in yet another line for a ballot? Fuck! While I’m bitching can someone tell me why I have to fill in circles on the ballot like a big ass scantron sheet? It’s 2016 shouldn’t we be using touchscreens or something?

Voting was actually anticlimactic for me. I hate to say it but outside of the candidates for President and Governor, I had no fucking idea who most of those people were. I honestly picked people based on how I liked their names since that’s about the extent of knowledge or interest I had in them. In southeast Michigan during a major election, you’re inundated with election material in the mail showing what the candidate looks like, their education, and what they supposedly stand for. Hell, in Detroit, they’ve probably been in the news because of corruption charges, infidelity, or embezzlement. The point I’m trying to make is that you actually hear and see the candidates before the election. Here? Nada. Oh I get a lot of phone calls from conservative groups in NC and VA wanting to take a few minutes, hours, years from my life to ask my opinion on things. I mean it’s obnoxious how often they call and keep calling. Fuck your Do Not Call list because it doesn’t apply to pollsters. Fortunately, I can log into my phone’s account and block them there but why should I have to? No means no works for pussy but not my opinions? Get the fuck out of here!

The real kicker is that some campaign workers asked if they could give us some info on a candidate. Why is that the kicker? Because we already voted and I probably would’ve voted for the dude too but by that time it was about as effective as asking me not to cum in you after I already came in you. I was tempted to Google the candidate and let him know that his workers failed him but that would involve slightly more work than his campaigners put in to get my vote so…