The country is going stir crazy over the Rona. Things got a bit out of hand last night and I got the po-po called on me. Can’t even lie, I was shook when the Sheriff’s Department rolled up on my porch and started banging on my front door like they paid bills here. They were there to serve me papers. For what Freaky, you ask? Fucking domestic violence!
Deputy: Are you Freaky Deaky?
Me: That’s me? What is this about?
Deputy: We’re here to notify you that a personal protection order has been filed against you for domestic violence.
Me: Domestic violence? Who the hell filed it?
Dick: Me motherfucker! I’m tired of you beating and choking me until I throw up and go limp!
Me: Blame it on the Rona, bitch.
Dick: Is that what you call your right hand now? Look at these scrapes and bruises! I’m sick of saying I fell or hit the door every time I send a pic or video chat someone, Ike!
Me: Ike? Love ain’t going to have nothing to do with what happens to you tonight.
Dick: It never does!
Me: Snitches get stitches and end up in ditches! I know where you live. Remember that Dick!
Fuck! What is this day 190-11 of quarantine? I need Trump, the governor, or somebody to order all thighs, lips, and cheeks to be reopened immediately! I need to tuna sub (say it backwards 🤪) in somebody’s daughter, wife, or mother expeditiously! Seriously! You know it’s bad when you log in to Pornhub and they greet you with, “Damn, nigga again? You alright?” No! Now shut up and show me something nasty! I swear when this is over some chick is going to get the best three minutes of her life that I can muster.
Was the online dating pool always such trash? I don’t know how people get married off of that. Hell, I don’t even want to meet most of the women I’ve spoken to and considering I’m bored as fuck and even hornier than usual, that should tell you something.
I’m not the sexiest man in the world but people other than my mom think I’m cute. My mom also thinks I’m cute, by the way. Anyway, I try to seek ass and friendship in an age appropriate range. I’ve been fortunate enough to look younger than my actual age. Unfortunately, some of these chicks hitting me up, do not. How do I say it? Some of these bitches look like they’ve been ridden hard and put away wet. I’m like damn girl what have you been through? Seriously, because I’m trying to avoid that shit. My grandma looks younger than some of them and she’s been dead for over a decade.
I’m at an age where I can tell it ain’t going to work just by the conversation. The first five minutes in the conversation. Even the cute ones are boring as fuck! I’m talking a glass of flat, room temperature Canada Dry ginger ale booooo-ring! Can someone tell me why the dry ass boring bitches always quick to say, “So when can we meet?” How about Neverary the 45th? You want me to come out of pocket to be bored to tears? No! And quit giving me your phone number. I’m not trying to be held hostage on the phone or in person by you. 🙄
One woman I’ve chatted with, we’ll call Damn Debbie. Sometimes I wonder if anything good ever happens to her. First conversation I find out she’s recovering from hip replacement surgery due to a car accident. 🥴 Damn, that sucks. She’s afraid to go to sleep at night because she has been getting threats on her phone. She helped out someone who stole from her. Subsequently called the police on them and is being harassed about it. Damn. Last time we chatted she rattled off a list of things in her house that was broken after I was dumb enough to ask how she’s doing. I’m this 🤏🏾 close to blocking or ghosting her. Damn, can you tell me something good? I’m trying to be nice because she really seems in need of some kindness and a friend but…damn!