“I know you can be underwhelmed and you can be overwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?” – 10 Things I Hate About You

I noticed something a little strange yesterday so because I hate mysteries Detective Freaky had to investigate. My first train of thought told me to use Google but I decided to listen to my second thought and searched Facebook. I guess I found what I was looking for. Bad news? An obituary for my father. Apparently he died a couple of weeks ago. I’m not really sure how to feel. I feel a mix of emotions and honestly, it kind of pisses me off. I always told myself that I wouldn’t have an reaction besides oh, his family must feel bad or something appropriately apathetic. The fact that I’m in my feelings, in my head annoys the fuck out of me!

As long as I can remember I’ve had a weariness of letting myself get close to people and being abandoned. Cast aside for the next shiny new person. Afraid of being disappointed. Afraid of being unloved and unlovable. Afraid of that inner monologue cackling “I told you so” whenever a friendship or relationship ended regardless of whose fault it was. Afraid of not being enough, being irredeemable. Afraid of feeling stupid for even trying to forge new friendships and entertain new relationships. Everybody says they’re different. I should know better. I know better.

I accepted the fact that we probably were never going to be close and there were things and people that I would never know on any level other than by name. So why do I feel anything at all? I used to think about him a lot as a kid. Less as time went on, thankfully. A little more after I took one of those ancestry DNA tests. Mainly out of curiosity. Partially to see if I had any secret kids roaming the country. Partially to learn about family on both sides of the tree that I’ll never contact or attempt to know.

The thing that shocked me the most was that my name was actually in the obituary. I didn’t expect that and still wouldn’t have even known he was gone if I didn’t get the feeling that something was up. I spent a good portion of last night looking at obituaries of people with my name. Going down a rabbit hole of morbidity. It was weird. A few died in a cluster around the same time. They were all about the same age as each other. I wonder if I’ll die at the same age, around the same time. Honestly, it’s a bit longer than I want so I kind of hope it’s just a weird coincidence and not my official expiration date.